


69 Love Songs

by commaAbuser



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Sexual Tension, Sexuality Crisis, Swearing, dave's awkward sexual thoughts, davekat - Freeform, meteorfic, terribly written rap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-05-04 03:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14583645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commaAbuser/pseuds/commaAbuser
Summary: This is your standard meteorstuck except I'm recommending that you listen to 69 Love Songs by the Magnetic Fields.





	1. All My Little Words

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's too lazy to format pesterlogs. It's me.

Chapter 1 - All My Little Words

In the first weeks on the meteor, you mainly work on your laptop and turntables, inadvertently watching Karkat while he watches movies. Eventually this gets really fucking old. Your raps are tired. You are tired. Your head hurts. The only break you get from the laptop screen is looking at a short grumpy alien dude in a sweater two sizes too big for him watching alien versions of vaguely familiar romance movies. Meanwhile the nights are filled with the worst nightmares you have ever had in your life. As fun as the Mayor is, he's much more interested in his perceived Mayoral duties than having a normal chat or being your friend at the moment. Rose is too interested in Kanaya. Terezi is too interested in Vriska. 

Legit that I'm spinning here grinning here winning

On this meteor hurtling through space spinning yo

A mind to compete with my sine wave mind craze

And memories coming like jeopardy a damn maze

The taste of asphalt and blood it lingers here stinging

Wounds and cuts that you sew with needle and thread

Times up wind up moving jaw parts and puppet head

You jam up the key in the lock and a sense of dread

Crawl through the gutter muddy water bloodshed

Money money money lines the walls of the vents

Wires to cameras snaking shivering segments

Acrid smell in the morning and the blaring of traffic

Left bleeding can't view through glare - it's too graphic

And my sapphic sister seraphic getting cartographic 

Charting problems and neurosis until I'm burned out

Played clout no doubt and bugged out eyestrain

I wear it with a straight face plush bane no pain

My only break from the throbbing clanging of steel

Was the break I took to remember not to feel

 

The beat the beat the beat is on fire, crashing and fucking burning, destroying whole planets, a solar system wide catastrophe, a meaningless feedback loop of total flaming fucking balls of fire ass suck. You select and drag over everything you've made in the last week and drop it into the recycle bin. With a deep inhale you right click on the bin and exhale. 

It's gone forever. From the corner of your eye, you see Karkat looking at you again. When you turn your head to catch his gaze, he's facing his movie. Hm. You put away your laptop, patting its surface before captchaloging it. It's not a tearful goodbye. You know you'll come back to it, when you actually have some freshly inspired beats to serve out. You know, the ones where you're not a whiny piss baby about your former life. 

Dave Strider nothing phases him grazes him you know you want to blaze with him. <3

You decide pretty much on the spot to befriend Karkat Vantas. Partly out of boredom, but also because he seems curious about you anyway. You've spent the last few days pretending you weren't equally interested.

You stroll over to the threadbare velveteen couch, hands in your pockets, chill as can be, your impeccable swagger managed, keeping a straight face. 

"Hey dude--" You begin, no stutters, no stops. Oh wait. What.

"WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT?" Karkat's face is suddenly horrid, warped, his eyes bulging and his mouth gaping in a nasty teeth-filled scowl. You notice he's paused his film to listen to you, or perhaps he did so in shock from the sudden interruption, you're not sure. You blink and frown very slightly. That went well didn't it? You could've sworn, just minutes ago, when he looked up at you, that he might've wanted company, secretly. Maybe you were wrong? Nevertheless you don't allow your face to crack.

You hold your hands up in what you hope is a universal sign of submission and peace, "Sorry to interrupt bro, I know that was a dick move, it's just, we've got the majority of three years left on this dusty rock that's hurtling through a starless joyless void, and that's the third time you've watched that kinda strained and contrived romance movie, I honestly didn't think you'd still be that engaged in it."

"HOWEVER MANY TIMES I WANT TO WATCH THIS ABJECTLY BAD ROMANCE MOVIE AS WE TRAIPSE THROUGH A STARLESS JOYLESS VOID IS MY BUSINESS," he yells, immediately unpausing his film and gluing his dark gray eyes back on the screen. 

He is so grumpy. So petulant. Fuck. You sigh, forgoing any possible insults, sarcasms, or quips that arise in the forefront of your brain in order to avoid an insult-based rap off between the two of you. A verbal mexican standoff would further absolutely nothing towards friendship or at least mutual tolerance. So you sit next to him and you swear his yellow eyeballs nearly bulge out of his skull. You throw your arm up over the side of the couch and say, "I was wondering if you wanted me to alchemize you any snacks or drinks and we can both watch it, assuming that the couch here is still public territory?"

Karkat narrows his eyes at you suspiciously, really really fucking suspiciously. You'd think that he was actually purposefully acting dramatic, if his entire demeanor hadn't also changed along with his eyes. You watch his alien chest rise and fall, you want to smile at his 69 symbol, you don't. 

Once again he pauses his film, expertly but slowly, laboriously, breathing out in a loud fed-up fashion while staring right at you with his cold dreary looking alien eyes. Ouch. "IT IS THE INTERMURAL DOMINION OF CIVIL CONVIVALITY," he says, but his barking tone is withheld, hissing behind his teeth as if it's almost impossible for him to use a neutral voice.

You can't help but laugh for a hot second at his word choice even if you're a bit upset and confused about his hostility, "I see you've been talking to the Mayor." It's impossible to not love the Mayor with your entire heart and soul. You haven't tried but you're convinced it's impossible to dislike him even a little bit.

Karkat does not return your laugh, nor does he even smile. You watch his ears twitch slightly. Now he turns his head and scarcely regards you, as if you were no better than an ant. "YOU MAY SIT. THIS IS A PUBLIC AREA FOR EVERYONE," He says, and his tone changes abruptly. 

Are you actually an ant to him? That is good enough for you for now. Though you chuckle slightly under your breath at him. This boy is no Jade, no Terezi. He's not going to praise you for or goad you into being cool, aloof, and kinda smug. That feels wrong to you but also validating in another way that you don't quite understand. 

"Oh thank you very much, your graciousness. First though, I'm going to get the snacks. If you aren't going to tell me what you want, I'll just end up bringing back a bunch of human shit."

"JUST BRING THE VILE HUMAN SHIT, I'LL MANAGE." Karkat's eyes stay focused on the paused movie. 

You swallow hard and you study his face before you step away, the way his long slender neck falls into his turtleneck, the way his chunky cut hair curves around his cheekbone. You think he wears the sweater almost to mask how delicate some of his features are. You decide this makes sense for a violent alien race. You wouldn't want someone thinking that you're fragile, specifically if that someone was Bro. Speaking of, somehow, this little alien asshole is even less immediately sociable than Bro. He's charming and quirky in his hostility nonetheless. He shows tons of emotion even if those emotions seem negative. He also sounds like a sea of honking cars on the I-610 but he looks like a huge nerd. He is a huge nerd, as is evidenced by his repeated watching of stuffy B-movie romcoms. B-movie romcoms are objectively much worse than regular B-movies in any other genre, you decide despite having almost zero experience in watching them. 

At this point, you've hardly seen the petite troll kid eat, let alone move from the couch. His eyes seriously look deceased, like the floating formaldehyde eyeballs of a dearly departed catfish. There are huge draping dark circles under them that you'd have to draw in an exaggerated fashion if you were to put his likeness into art. Which you seriously consider for a moment just for comedic effect. Does he sleep? A comic entitled Karkat Never Fucking Sleeps pops into your head, where an angry screeching Karkat shows up in increasingly strange places just to scream at you. Open the cupboard -- screaming Karkat. Open your closet -- screaming Karkat. Under your bed -- screaming Karkat. The joke is it seems like he should be sleeping in those places but he's watching romcoms in the dark alone and his eyebags keep getting bigger and bigger in each panel. It's too juvenile for your practiced hand, and not ironic at all - though you're pretty sure that you could make it funny. You're not in the mood to try. You muse all this to yourself while you alchemize up some Doritos and Mountain Dew. You have to remind yourself not to be xenophobic. You have three years to spend on this meteor. You're barely two weeks in and you're already bored and apathetic. Everyone else has already claimed a bestie to pair off with. As entertaining as it is to jam with the Mayor about the divergent municipal roles of a can of beets versus a can of pears, well... You sigh, fidgeting with the alchemiter and bouncing up and down in your pumped up kicks. 

You see Karkat in your peripheral vision looking at you again. Guy can't keep his eyes off the soft sumptuous curve of your derrière, that's for sure. You don't blame him. You face the alchemiter to gain a completely chill composure while you gather your spoils, then you turn around with a slide, all smooth, expecting to catch him looking at you but you don't. Hm.

"I come bearing gifts," You announce, supererogatory. A placebo statement to uphold normalcy. Uncool. You don't care. By not caring you make it ironic, thus elevating the trite to the height of fashion. Karkat doesn't flinch. You feel like throwing at least 50 bean-assed squeak-toy plush smuppets at his face just to see his reaction. You don't do it.

You set upon the table the delicious booty of the alchemiter: Mountain Dew, Apple Juice, two different flavors of Doritos, and the old standard - popcorn; just in case he hates everything else as much as he hates you, friendship, light, sleep, and everything good in the world. You observe Karkat, with his arms stubbornly crossed. Is he actually adverse to friendship or is he pretending to not give a shit? He couldn't be just offended by your existence or your approach, right? It's really hard to tell. Right now he seems like a bratty four-year-old kid, stubbornly refusing to make friends beacuse he didn't come up with the idea on his own.

"Uh, this stuff has caffeine in it, I'm not sure how trolls react to that...," You say, pointing to the Mountain Dew and taking your seat next to him.

"WE REACT TO METHYLTHEOBROMINE JUST FINE." Sharp. Curt. Short. Do trolls really use the full chemical name? You want to snort laughing. You don't. The words came smooth from his lips. You decide he has potential. Potential for what though? You haven't decided yet.

Karkat's stare is piercing. Accusatory. Why? 

You bite your tongue. Literally. You did this so often with Bro, biting your tongue. It's habit. Your tongue should have permanent indents in it. Somehow it doesn't. Maybe it has scars. Sometimes you'd draw blood. The memory is bitter like burnt coffee grounds and you wipe it away. 

Karkat is so interesting, you've never met anyone like him, not that you've met many people or many aliens for that matter. He's just unlike anything you've ever witnessed. Ever. Anywhere. Sharp attitude, sharp teeth, sharp claws. Nubby horns. You notice the soft roll of his chest cavity under the fabric of his sweater, his entire ribcage is a different shape, possibly more rounded than yours. You kind of wish you could see it. You think it's too soon to ask to see a model of a troll skeleton. 

Then Karkat, despite his giant fucking attitude problem, reaches out with all the will of a spoiled impudent child and takes a swig of the Mountain Dew, his eyes widening dramatically as he swallows. You can tell he almost spews the drink out but manages to withhold himself with impressive control. 

"THIS IS CARBONATED!" Screech scratch shriek - A terrible sound like metal between grinding gears from the back of his throat. His voice is high and kind of melodic but it has this terrible warbling chirrup to it, this added cacophonic dissonance that you don't understand. You've noticed the same thing from Terezi, actually, but it's more pleasant to listen to her peculiar sounding reverberations somehow. Maybe that's because she's not fucking screaming at you every time she opens her lips.

"Yes, it's soda, my dude," You explain, your eyes widening behind your shades. For some reason you were not expecting his adverse reaction to your carbonated beverage selection.

"FIRST. I AM NOT YOUR DUDE. SECOND. IT'S ABHORRENT. IT TASTES LIKE THE FETID RANKROOT SWILL DISTILLED STRAIGHT FROM A DUNGHATCHED BLISTERBEETLE'S NECROTIC CREVASSE."

You chuckle at his undeniably hilarious verbage, "Okay okay, so the Dew is not your thing, I'm sorry about that. I'll just drink it then," you say, reaching out and expecting for him to thrust the beverage your way. 

Karkat avoids your touch completely, bringing the glass of Dew close to his chest with his snotty scrunched nose in the air. "NO I WILL FINISH IT." 

Oh okay Princess. You want to say he doesn't have to drink it, but he seems very uncomfortable with the idea of extending the olive branch to you, so you keep it away. You keep all the olives away, all of them. No fruits. No wood either. No twigs, branches, bark, trunks, or roots. Nope. You decide to shut up, noting for a second that you were almost looking forward to the physical contact between your hands just to feel how they're different. Karkat grabs the remote control and resumes the beginning of what appears to be a troll version of Runaway Bride. It's not a B-movie, you suppose, maybe.

Out of respect you try to stay quiet. Except you're you, and you're nervous, and you can't shut the fuck up. Ever. The olive branch, it beckons you to once again try to extend its shivering spindly stem and dangly drab green ovoid drupes. 

"Is this Runaway Bride? With Julia Roberts?"

"ITS TROLL JULIA ROBERTS AND IT IS CALLED 'IN WHICH A WOMAN WHO LEAVES HER PREVIOUS THREE MATESPRITS AT THEIR JOINING CEREMONY AND GETS TRAILED BY A REPORTER WHO WILL BE OBSERVING HER FOURTH JOINING CEREMONY'-"

"Okay dude, it's definitely the exact same movie." Unbelievable. This alien is un-fucking-believable. He's almost a blessing because he's so terrible. Is his entire existence somehow the great irony that you've been seeking? What? Nah. 

"YES."

"AND STOP FUCKING CALLING ME DUDE. WE ARE BARELY ACQUAINTANCES YET LET ALONE HATEFRIENDS."

Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttt. 

Has he taken the olive branch? 

Silence. You just let it pass. You feel like you can't win him over now, but you sense it, you sense that you may win him over someday if you keep at it. You watch 'troll' Julia Roberts meander through her sparse gray futureslum village while 'troll' Richard Gere watches her. Except everything is so drab and gloomy and you completely lack understanding of the signage on the buildings. The architecture makes it look like a sci-fi flick but you can tell it isn't. That's kind of a conundrum you can't explain but you do think it's engrossing in its own way. It feels like looking at huge pyramids, megaliths, and castles from some bygone human era. In this case you can tell that the town troll Julia Roberts lives in is kind of small old, humble and by extension 'low class' despite how technologically advanced troll building styles seem to your untrained eye. You think it's a town for lowbloods, but troll Julia Roberts herself is a blueblood or cerulean. You're not really down with the appropriate names for troll blood castes. 

"YOUVE SEEN IT? THE HUMAN VERSION OF THIS MOVIE?" Karkat suddenly asks. His tone is softer. 

What? This dude is clearly into conversations about shitty movies for his entire demeanor to mellow like butter in the microwave over the impending movie discussion. You're familiar with that. You can do that. Amazing. Astounding. Incredible. You are awestruck. 

The emo or perhaps more aptly named screamo troll kid is actually attempting to keep the conversation rolling. Wow. You hand him some Doritos, he takes the bag tentatively. You notice his ears flick again. Adorable. Wait what? Interesting. Interesting is what you mean, intriguing, though you guess it's also, without bias, a cute characteristic. You almost ignore his question in the heat of your thoughts until he glances at you. The way his eyes probe you, it almost renders your shades completely ineffective. You're perplexed by this because looking at Kanaya, Vriska, and Terezi doesn't have the same effect. 

"Yeah," You confirm, "I was pretty young though. I don't remember it that well." You leave out the part where you rarely got to finish any movie to completion due to constant vaguely foreboding puppet interruptions and sword 'training'. Only when you got a little older did Bro ever leave you alone long enough to do things on your own. At that point, there was no way in hell you were going to waste your precious fucking time on Runaway Bride or other entertainment of its ilk. But now, with three years to spare, you might as well kill time. You're now lining up graves for your time like it's the fucking valley of peace, population 5 million. 

"I haven't seen a lot of movies to completion. But I think that maybe, 80s and early 90s movies did this romance thing better; just an uninformed opinion." This is something you've heard and somehow believe to some degree.

His sigh could break mountains. Somewhere the ghost of Mount Everest is shedding a fucking solitary tear. He doesn't have to say it, you are clearly not doing your species any favors in the way of intelligent conversation. 

"I HOPE YOU KNOW I HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE IN REGARDS TO HUMAN ERAS, AS IN ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH, NULL."

"So, basically, this movie came out in 1999?"

"I DO NOT KNOW, DID IT?" His tone is exceedingly caustic and biting. 

You bite your lip and you watch his eyes flick to your mouth and it furthers his frown.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it did come out in 1999, at least the human version did," You say. You have a weird thing about time. It's a thing you shouldn't have memorized, but you usually remember the years that movies or albums were released. 

"THESE SEASONED CHITIN CRISPS ARE VERY GOOD," Karkat muses, throwing a good handful of cool ranch doritos in his mouth. Oh? Something positive to say? What a change.

You nod and hum in approval and continue with your statement, "So I'm talking about movies before 1999. Like Pretty Woman? Sleepless in Seatle? Pretty in Pink?"

He gives you a blank stare. 

"When Harry Met Sally? Overboard? Splash? Say Anything?" Clearly you've got all this bullshit memorized like the pop culture god you are. What could anyone else expect from Dave Strider. 

Karkat muses, putting his hand on his face, "MAYBE THOSE MOVIES HAVE A KIND OF CHARM, IF I AM THINKING OF THE RIGHT ONES. THE HUMAN TITLES ARE VAGUE AND STUPIDLY SUCCINCT. BUT IT IS EQUALLY POSSIBLE I HAVE NOT SEEN THE TROLL VERSIONS OF THEM, OR CONVERSELY, THERE ARE NO TROLL VERSIONS."

You suppress a tiny laugh, "Well if you aren't sure if you've seen the troll versions, I could always try to get the human versions and we could watch those, even if we just make fun of them for the lulz." You just offer. You don't know why. Sometimes shit just tumbles out of your gaping maw and into the world like it is your gift to all of existence. There it is, my immaculate fucking turd, crown it now and make it your savior. All hail Dave's steaming pile of dung, King and Ruler apparent of Dungtopia, all who believeth in him shall inherit the Stench. In this case, it's the wafting permeating stench of a burgeoning acquaintanceship. It's never desperate, it's just like an island, always on the horizon, ports open, ready for any friendly ships to sail in and dock at its ample and acquiesing properly water-sealed piers.

"THAT WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE," Karkat says in answer to your offer. Your chest feels warm. You almost smile. Friendship. You're doing this. You're making this happen. No actual feces were required. You sort of picture a shitty artifacted boat ironically mislabelled "carcat" sliding into your Dave Island dock. Your mouth quirks up on one side. 

While you contentedly settle back and take an appreciative gulp of apple juice, 'troll' Julia Roberts is trying on a wedding dress which looks considerably different and is darker than a human wedding dress. You think it's supposed to be her bluish blood color or whatever. Honestly the troll adherence to this blood color concept is really fucking mind-numbingly monotonous and stale. You're pretty sure if you were a troll, you'd get arrested just for having to wear a full fucking rainbow all over. Fuck the police. You'd get culled. You mention this to Karkat. He doesn't respond, he only chews his lip and shoots you a glance of disapproval and moderate ire. 

The silence kills you. You want him to talk to you. :\ :\ :\ You tap on your leg with acute awareness of the 57 minutes and 36 seconds that have passed since you sat down next to him. 

"Do you only watch romance?" You ask, establishing a basis of which movies you'll try to alchemize.

"ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY."

Well friendship with Karkat can't be worse than friendship with a guy that thinks ConAir is the height of cinematic perfection.

Replacing the strange country-inspired luau scene, an equally colorful troll counterpart plays out before your eyes with 'troll' Julia Roberts unable to be honest with her friends about her feelings nor is she able to keep herself from stuttering out her words and flirting shamelessly with 'troll' Richard Gere. 'Troll' Julia Roberts seems to be just as much of a failboat as human Julia Roberts was in Runaway Bride. You shake your head in reproach at her. You look over to study Karkat who is comically interested in the film, perched slightly forward with his fingers resting on his chin. You're pretty sure he knows all of the words because you can see his mouth moving very slightly when there's dialogue on screen.

"Do you want to fall in love, Karkat?" The question comes unbidden, just flies out of your lips too fast for you to catch. A critical homerun failure.

"THAT IS A VERY VERY RUDE AND VERY VERY PERSONAL QUESTION." He spits at you, his face flushing. 

"It's a pretty normal question too, I think." Ah, you've fucked up bad haven't you? You frown. Frowns are allowed in cool town, population 1: Dave Strider. It's slight. It's a level 1 frown. 

"DO YOU WANT TO FALL IN LOVE, DAVE?"

You wince. You deserve that misdirect. Wholly and completely. Something about Karkat and his weird mannerisms almost completely shatter your coolkid composure. It's not just that it looks like he's staring directly into your eyes. It's something else. You don't understand it. Your level 1 frown turns pretty much immediately into a frown that you haven't actually charted at all and you have no idea how your face looks right now. That's alarming. Bells and whistles somewhere inside you are going off, but you push that away, far far away. 

His eyes always feel like they're churning somehow when he makes eye contact with you, they completely suck you in. Move over, Charybdis, you're ready to completely wreck your boat against the treacherous rocky isles of Vantas. They call it Davy Strider's locker, that beckoning deep gray abyss. 

"I never thought about it before, actually. I think, everyone wants to fall in love, right? But I'm not sure I even really thought it was possible for me." You look down at your lap. You think this is the right answer but you can tell that your uncertainty and use of a blanket statement has pissed him off even further. 

"*WE* HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT. YOU BASICALLY GET CULLED IF YOU DONT. DESPITE THAT, EVEN IF I HAD FOUND LOVE, I WOULD'VE BEEN CULLED ANYWAY."

Silence. How the fuck do you respond to that?

"Aren't you glad that's not the case anymore?" You try.

"I AM STILL NOT SURE WE ARE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS."

"Me either," You respond. It's true.

Suddenly, Karkat switches off the movie and sits up. "YOU HAVE DONE THE NIGH UNFATHOMABLE, YOU HAVE ACTUALLY RUINED MY MOOD FOR ROMANCE THANKS A LOT YOU NUBSLURPING FUCKPOD."

He leaves. He doesn't look back. You are confused. Nub slurping? Fuck? Pod? What?

You think about yelling an apology to the stompy retreating figure but you don't. 

Karkat pauses in front of the transportalizer and calls back at you, "I WILL RETURN TOMORROW. HAVE YOUR HUMAN MOVIES READY FOR JUDGEMENT," He yells, not turning around to face you. 

You look down when you hear the whirr of the transportalizer in action. Pretty quickly the Mayor comes up and takes Karkat's spot, resuming the movie with his own tiny carapacian hands.

You pat his head. "You always know what's up, don't you little dude?"

The Mayor looks up at you and just exists for now. His existence is pleasant. 

Sometimes he talks and its always about civic duties and city planning. Not today. Today he just sits with you as you finish the troll production of Runaway Bride. It's terrible, but it's better than the uncomfortable feedback loop of you making your own rap, remixing your own rap, and staying firmly planted in your own head with all your bullshit memories and issues piling up up like a monstrous jumble of obtrusive plush rumps.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]--

TG: yo rose  
TG: i tried to make a friend and failed miserably  
TT: You? You failed at such a thing? Unbelieveable.  
TG: i know right  
TG: you know how i am rolling up in the streets talking to all the peeps and everyone knows my name  
TG: my beats are ill my kicks are fresh and i got hella mad skills  
TG: that is my claim to fame  
TG: except i suck at making friends  
TG: specifically crabby troll friends  
TT: I have the utmost faith that you'll get it right if you keep trying.  
TG: i might keep trying  
TG: maybe  
TT: I want to joke about how you lack feelings or sincerity but both of us know by now that that's a farce.  
TT: As uncouth as it might be to break secrecy, I do have something to tell you regarding Karkat.  
TG: what is it  
TT: He had already contacted me a few days ago about the best ways to go about talking to you since your first introduction was rather tragic.  
TG: what  
TT: He said he felt bad that you seemed to be lonely but he knew of no common ground between the two of you beyond your shared class of Knight.  
TG: is that why he kept shooting me looks  
TT: Possibly.  
TG: damn i thought he was into me like everyone else  
TG: over there on that couch fucking pining for this choice ass  
TG: hedging his fucking bets on the best looking horse  
TG: all getting a load of these sweet filled out hocks and shanks and counting his fucking boondollars up to take to the bookie  
TG: ready to rake in the dough and drop it in his enormous gilded porkhollow once he watches me speed over that backstretch with my swift and impossibly agile canter  
TT: I presume that despite my prior conversation with Karkat, you were the one to approach him first.  
TG: yes and he was wound up like a fucking dreidel ready to blast its way around the table at hanukkah  
TG: he screeched at me like a table of jewish grandmothers ready to slap me up the keppie for my sassy mouth  
TT: He was probably full of nerves considering what happened to his friends in this very lab not too long ago.  
TG: idk  
TG: he seemed really into the troll production of runaway bride  
TG: like he knew the words and shit like they were the troll bible  
TG: he was on his knees getting ready to worship that shit like he knew he was a hell bound soul  
TG: gotta save his own ass from damnation and the only prescription for the pearly gates was to mouth all of julia roberts lines  
TT: Dave the implication here is more towards the fact that you were staring at Karkat's mouth for the entire movie instead of watching it.  
TG: listen rose have you seen his eyes  
TG: theyre like a whirlpool of gray and when he turns ever so slightly  
TG: they refract at you with these broken slivers of black and red  
TG: its like youre staring into the void and it stares back at you  
TT: Does this have something to do with your own eye color?  
TG: no  
TG: he's just  
TG: an alien  
TT: I can confirm that statement is accurate.  
TG: and trolls apparently have a similar concept to a luau  
TT: Fascinating.  
TG: then i asked him if he wanted to fall in love  
TG: he got super serious and fatalistic about it  
TT: That is slightly uncharacteristic of you to ask that question.  
TG: its not my fault  
TG: dude is all into romance and shit  
TG: what the fuck else was i supposed to talk about  
TG: like hey crabstack lets watch this troll romance movie but im going to talk about the land speed velocity of a unladen swallow is that cool bro  
TG: no ok well too bad  
TT: Who would've thought that people into romance movies might be sensitive about their own romantic lives?  
TG: god drag me  
TG: im almost dread showing my sorry ass face tomorrow  
TG: the conversation bombed worse than hiroshima and nagasaki combined  
TT: Cultural insensitivity and its terrible aftermath aside, I believe it's worth it for you to try again.  
TG: i sorta mentioned some human movies to him  
TG: im probably going to alchemize them up tomorrow morning or die trying  
TG: then look like a huge tool when he doesnt show up  
TT: If you like, Kanaya and I can come alleviate that awkward and embarrassing social pressure for you when and if the time comes.  
TG: no thanks i dont need a chaperone for my date  
TG: this dance card is all filled up and all the slots say karkat  
TG: gonna break out the red plush puppet tux  
TT: I actually dare you to do it.  
TG: what and get that troll kid all riled up with nowhere to go  
TG: my fine ass laid out on that couch drenched in a thousand red rose petals  
TG: hed be snorting the petals like a desperate jonesing crackhead looking for his next fix  
TG: that fix would be my luscious velvet covered ass  
TG: you know how plush that tux is  
TG: theres just so much give to it  
TG: troll kid could take a nap on it  
TG: god knows he needs one have you seen those undereye bags  
TG: he has packed his entire life in those fucking things  
TG: ready to leave his wife and move to paris with his sexy french mistress  
TT: I'm sure there's no way that Karkat could refuse your romantic advances if you wore your tux and peppered the common room with rose petals and invited him to move to Paris with you.  
TG: what  
TG: no it was a joke  
TT: Sure it was, I especially liked the imagery of Karkat literally snorting rose petals before his face found a new home right between your buttcheeks.  
TT: It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this date and you want it to be as romantic as possible, so I might suggest the trifecta of date success; some candlelight, some soft music, some champagne perhaps?  
TG: where the hell would we get champagne  
TT: Oh you'd be surprised what I can conjure up.  
TG: can you perhaps conjure up some romcom movies pre 1999  
TT: No but I might be able to lend you some items that might make your efforts far more successful.  
TG: thank you rose  
TG: you always have my back  
TG: best ecto sister ever  
TT: Goodnight Dave  
TG: night

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]--  
\--tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]--

As you fall asleep, kind of wary of the nightmares you might have, you think about Karkat and his crochety old-man type anger. Karkat and his weird quirky expressions and tendencies. You think about how he hides his hands in his sleeves, and how his brow is almost permanently folded into itself, and the twitching of his pointed downturned ears. What a nerdy little douche. It makes you smile. Thankfully Rose has your back in case you really actually fucked up hardcore. You were a little worried since she's been distant for a week or so. You breathe a sigh of relief to know she's still there for you.

Your sleep is dreamless, for once.


	2. Absolutely Cuckoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They watch some movies, Dave ... sure does have reactions to things. 
> 
> Let's pretend we can alchemize anything! The Chapter.
> 
> Some of Dave's thoughts get dicey in this chapter, it's kinda brief. Hm. 
> 
> No editing, we die like lazy authors.

Chapter 2 - Absolutely Cuckoo

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]--

TG: guess what i managed to do  
TT: I hope you alchemized some movies of the romantic persuasion.  
TG: on the fucking money  
TG: thats exactly what i did  
TG: i also got some other cool ass shit  
TG: did you know that the basic formula for any movie is made up of really old classic movies  
TT: No I did not but that's useful information.  
TG: i reverse engineered the shit out of this  
TG: somehow i also found out how to make ring pops  
TG: do you remember that candy  
TT: I vaguely remember it.  
TG: so im going to lay that shit down on that crabby ass troll and see how he likes that noise  
TG: heres a ring marry me motherfucker i will literally make your life sweet as silk  
TG: psyche its fucking candy now shove it in your mouth  
TT: How could he ever turn you down Dave?  
TG: theres basically no possible way that he wont be down to suck on my shiny red ring  
TG: i left some out in the kitchen for yall and terezi  
TG: terezi might steal them all though  
TG: so you better get on that scene  
TT: I promise that I will take a look very soon.  
TT: Do let me know if Karkat shows up.  
TG: you wont believe it  
TG: hes coming right now  
TG: i gotta pop the question ttyl  
TT: Good luck. 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]--

Karkat returns as promised, arms crossed, feet heavy and plodding, which is fantastic because you would've felt like a gigantic fucking asshole and also completely uncool if he hadn't emerged from the transportalizer down the hallway. Your enormous fucking ego breathes a sigh of relief. You keep a straight face and await him patiently on the couch. You have to avoid patting the seat. You want to tease him, he seems easy to tease. But you reign that shit in for the sake of the future of this friendship and hopefully good bro times to be had eventually.

You have taken a few of his movies that were left by the TV, and burned a few of your pirated movies on blank discs and managed to alchemize lots of weird shit and snacks, but in the process, you also alchemized the movies you discussed with him yesterday and a few more that you know or guess to be decent wastes of your time. Not all of them are from your targeted era but you consider the endeavor a resounding success. It turns out the formula for various movie media is not that hard to guess once you have actual movies to combine. You got like 20 different copies of Gone With the Wind though so you included one. Your magnificent fortune of grist took a negligible hit even though you had to use the Intellibeam Laserstation to extract a few difficult captcha codes.

Karkat just sits down on the couch next to you with a huff. 

The pile of movies sits unceremoniously on the table with the food. You didn't want to make it look like you were trying too hard but to be honest if you ever pulled something like this with Bro, you'd have been trying too hard and he would've seen right through you instantaneously. 

"I managed to alchemize all the movies I wanted, plus some that I think might be good. And ring pops. Have you ever had one of those? It's candy," You say and you hand him one. 

He takes it and opens the package, admiring it in the light. 

"WHY IS IT SO RED?" He squints and sneers. 

"It's cherry flavored, didn't you know red flavors are the best flavors?"

"YOU SOUND LIKE TEREZI." 

His voice is cold. You have frostbite. You clear your throat, "I wasn't trying to alchemize these, so it's cool we got some. I suspect it's because I was focusing on romance stuff. Rings are an important part of human engagement and marriage. This was a candy that was trendy for awhile, you know kids would get engaged to each other as a joke on the playground or something. I don't know," You laugh, but you see his face flush. He doesn't turn the candy down, but he doesn't slide it on his finger, he just lets it sit in his hands awkwardly.

"Dude you're supposed to wear it, it's easy to eat that way, it doesn't actually mean anything, it's just for fun. Here look, I'll show you a commercial," You explain and you show him a weird mash up of 90s commercials you managed to alchemize on DVD too while you were playing around with shit. They look like they were originally on VHS, because the result is slightly warped and full of scan lines. You're not sure why anyone would own a compilation DVD of commercials like this? It's kind of ironic though, the entire thing is filled with ads, and you know because you watched it before Karkat showed up. The DVD itself had only the years 1984-1994 labeled in blue pen on the outside, thus was kind of hard to resist. It could've been anything. Dressing room footage from a 1984-1994 Macy's Black Friday sale, perhaps. MTV music videos back before MTV started to suck. Behind the Scenes footage from the movies that played on Cinemax After Dark, you're talking prime Skinemax leg humping bloomed out gaussian blur feathered hair bullshit. No, it was ads. 

After seeing the innocuous neon 90s commercial for ring pops he relaxes a bit, inhales, exhales, and proceeds to engage in human culture exchange. You can see him swallow, the motion is exaggerated in his alien throat, and he slides his sweater up to his elbow and puts the ring on. His hands are small and dainty, the fingers tapered and feminine, with short filed-down oval-shaped claws. You wish you could check out his hands closer but you know it's not the time for alien biology yet when he can't even fully trust you with candy. "YOU OWE ME ONE," He says. 

"What?" You ask, perplexed.

"YOU HAVE TO EAT ALTERNIAN CANDY NEXT TIME," He huffs, his tongue darting out at the shiny glazed surface of his oversized candy ring. He reminds you of a wild animal tentatively testing food from a newbie game warden. You try really hard not to think of him like that but he makes it difficult. 

"Oh yeah, sure man, I'd like to try some of your candy," You say and you watch him sneer at you. What? Is trying alien candy some sort of punishment? Were you supposed to turn him down? This dude is so kooky. You silently pull out your phone and sneak a picture of him looking hella awkward with this ring on, which is easy because he closes his eyes to get a good lick of it. 

"It won't bite you back, Karkat," You chuckle, noticing that you've just taken a picture of your new would-be friend kind of bending down, eyes closed, putting something shiny and red in his half open mouth. He looks pretty and vulnerable in the picture. He'd definitely make you delete this. Maybe that's not going to be something you show him. Or anyone. Ever. You lock the photo and put it in the password protected folder on your device. 

You sigh and then remember the sea of other brightly colored snacks on the table. "Okay, so I managed to get other candy from the same era too. I have these candy necklace things? I've never actually eaten these. And sour gummy worms? Those are pretty good. Plus some other shit that I've never tried but it came out of the alchemiter so I'm not wasting it," You explain. You figure the more you treat the ring as if it's some special thing with extra significance, the more uncomfortable he'll be with it, so you try to ignore it and pretend it means nothing. Which it does. Watching him lick it did something to you, something deep, strange, and very uncomfortable like getting surprise tickets to the impending shit festival in your pants while you're out in public and very fucking far from a bathroom. You shake off the feeling like the walls have eyes and you stare at the table instead, drumming a soothing beat on your knees.

Karkat ignores the snacks on the table and begins to look through the DVD cases and read the backs. He stops at Gone with the Wind.

"WHY DOES THIS LOOK SO DIFFERENT?" He's wearing a weird crooked frown, his sharp teeth gnawing at his bottom lip. This boy is going to be fourteen soon in human years and you're pretty sure that unless troll skin works differently than human skin that he'll have permanent frown lines. That is, if he doesn't have them already, you're unsure, because he's always sulky and frowning.

"Ah, yeah, it turns out the formula for alchemizing movies is really weird, actually, and you get a lot of old movies as base components for newer ones. I haven't seen this one, but it's really famous so I included it," You pause, "I'm probably going to have to pause it a bit and explain some of the cultural stuff in it to you because not only was it filmed in 1939, it depicts an era far before that time where shit was basically really socially and racially fucked up and complicated."

He wrinkles his nose, "ITS HISTORICAL ROMANCE." You're not sure if he dislikes the idea of it, or if he dislikes the fact that you didn't know that. You're pretty sure he's busy thinking you're shit for brains.

"Ah yeah, haha, you have to forgive me I'm not good with the subgenres of romance films, but I think usually this kind of film might be better than others just because adding the element of history means the production value had to be higher when making it, you know?"

Karkat nods. 

"I HAVE A PERSONAL QUESTION."

"Yes?"

"ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO HUMAN MEG RYAN? BECAUSE THERE ARE FIVE MOVIES WITH HER IN IT. WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE, PRELUDE TO A KISS, YOUVE GOT MAIL, AND CITY OF ANGELS ALL HAVE HER IN IT." 

"Well Tom Hanks is in two of those movies," you supply, just to be factual.

"ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO HUMAN TOM HANKS OR PERHAPS TO BOTH HUMAN TOM HANKS WITH HUMAN MEG RYAN AS A PAIRING?" He asks.

You almost snort laughing but catch yourself, "Dude just say Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks, you don't need to preface everything with human or troll. Do you have something against them?"

He shakes his head and doesn't meet your gaze, so you continue.

"I honestly just picked the ones that I've heard of that people say are good. Except City of Angels. I've seen that because my best friend loved every single movie Nicholas Cage ever did and honestly City of Angels is also my only real experience with Meg Ryan that I can recall. I might've seen pieces and parts of the other ones though, it's hard to remember, some of these are a bit before my time." You're honest. You can't even recall Meg Ryan's face that well but she seems to be cute and kind of plucky you suppose. You remember Nicholas Cage. That weird kinda long face will haunt you for life. Thanks John. 

"NO HONESTLY AS A ROMCOM ADDICT I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHO YOUR FAVORITE CINEMATIC PAIRINGS WERE BUT NOW I KNOW THAT YOU HAVENT WATCHED MOST OF THESE."

His eyes move to look up at you through his choppy bangs as he says, "THATS KIND OF DISAPPOINTING."

It's a negative statement but you can still tell he's actually trying to be polite to you. Still you feel shut down a little. Like you just failed the basic romance dork test. You're a coolkid, you shouldn't care. You care. Oops. 

"There's also three movies with Molly Ringwald in them. I think she's a fox," You offer up. You think that she's okay. Fox is too strong of a word, but you leave it there. 

Until you realize the thing you like about Molly Ringwald is her kind of unique charisma when she gets that sassy pissed off indignant pouty look on her face. You're literally watching as Karkat is making a reasonable facsimile of that exact face at this very moment. It's also kind of charming on him. Rose would have a field day with this comparison. It's definitely immediately zipped the fuck up and filed under top secret info from now on out.

"THERE IS NO TROLL ANALOGUE FOR MOLLY RINGWALD," He says, his eyes coasting back to the pile of DVDs. 

"Woah are you serious? You are in for a treat then! You're missing out on some quality John Hughes flicks." You watch him blink slowly. He doesn't give two fucks or a single shit. You're not even sure it's a treat, but tar you and feather you, you're not going to let anyone fuck up your good time with their needlessly angsty drama.

"SO YOU HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN THESE MOVIES THEN, PRETTY IN PINK, SAY ANYTHING, AND THE BREAKFAST CLUB?" He asks, spreading them out next to each other on the table between his splayed fingers.

"Yeah actually, they were rerun frequently on tv, especially late at night." Late night, you know that time when Bro was asleep and you were in so much pain from healing three different sword cuts that you couldn't move, but you couldn't relax enough to sleep either? You could call it pop culture study time, and you did call it that, but looking back it was just a distraction from the abuse. You stare down at the table and you watch Karkat shuffling through the DVDs, with a decisive look on his face, sorting them. 

"THE BREAKFAST CLUB ISNT ROMANCE," Karkat notes, as if you've been, once again, docked a point in his book. You notice his top lip juts out just slightly more than his bottom lip. He tends to bite his bottom lip anyway, and suck it inward a bit when his face is at rest. Resting grump face.

"No, it's a dramedy, but its very good and I think you'll like it as a movie, it does have some romantic overtones kinda even if they're more about solidarity and the way things end up isn't how you'd expect." You ramble, you're staring at his feet, his black shoes. They're an interesting make, of troll design obviously, yet you're loathe to compliment his sweet kicks just yet. You think he'd look good in combat boots but he's not quite cool enough for that. Either that or he's way too fucking cool for it. You're not sure. Mission makeover Karkat Vantas is not a go. As you look him up and down, you're pretty sure that something about the way he dresses - sweater and loathe as you are to use the term, but meggings? Is perfect for who he is. They look like jeans but they are not and they are also clearly not for athletic purposes. 

"GOOD." Karkat announces and you watch him settle back into the couch and cross his leg over his knee, bouncing it slightly. He licks his ring pop kind of absently. He's resigned to watch movies now, you can tell. It feels like a small victory. Your inner Dave pulls his fist victoriously to his chest and whispers 'yessssssssssss.'

"I also got The Notebook, that one is pretty famous, but it's not from the era I mentioned yesterday, it's newer," You mention, showing him the DVD. 

"IVE SEEN THE TROLL VERSION OF IT." He just says, resolute, his eyes facing the screen. You're not sure he wants to watch it so you put it at the bottom of the pile. 

You decide to start with the Breakfast Club. It seems obvious he wants that since he put it on top of the pile.

"Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday by the way," you say as you insert the DVD into the DVD player.

"YOUR APOLOGY ISNT NECESSARY. I UNDERSTAND THAT THE QUESTION AND RESULTING CONVERSATION WAS INNOCENT ON YOUR PART. YOU HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING HOW DEEPLY THAT QUESTION WOULD AFFECT ME. WE DONT KNOW EACH OTHER YET. IM TRYING TO BE NICE. YOU SEEM BLISTERINGLY STUPID THOUGH NOT GOING TO LIE."

Dave laughs. "Bitch I might be. I'm not even going to defend myself. Talking to you is a bit like talking to a pile of giant angry hornets though if I'm honest so maybe it all equals out."

"BITCH." You hear him say and he kinda growls it out.

You turn around to face him, and you have no idea what expression is on your face, but it's very obvious he doesn't really care if you smile or laugh, frown, scowl, or grimace at him. 

He looks at you and says, "NO, YOU CAN CALL ME BITCH BUT I GET TO CALL YOU BITCH BACK, THOSE ARE THE RULES." His eyes are unwavering, his small thick eyebrows knitted into a permanent scowl. His tongue darts out to his ring pop. 

Its intense tangy fruit flavor is irresistable. You know it. You decide to make it even and you pull out several ring pops and bling your entire fucking hand up. 

He laughs as if he's fed up with you, but you watch his frown turn slightly upwards in the tiniest of smiles at your antics. 

You blink. Is this? Is this friendship? 

"Okay. Asshole." You let a smile creep onto your face turning your attention to the movie. 

"YOU CALLED ME BITCH FIRST YOU BULGEFUCKED TEPID ASS PUSTULE," He growls out in your direction, suddenly on edge. 

What? You were smiling and everything was fine. Was calling him asshole unacceptable? You stare at him. His eyes literally burn you. You almost see fire behind them. You feel that hot writhing intensity coursing across your skin and throbbing inside your veins. God. Damn. 

"Shit you really know how to insult. It's impressive." You could almost get a boner off of this if you're not going to lie to yourself. But you're going to lie to yourself. He makes you feel an internal schadenfreude because you feel like a total amateur in a way you've never ever felt with anyone else but you're happy about it. Why are you so happy about it?

Karkat's ears twitch. You're beginning to understand this as some kind of tell when Karkat has positive feelings of some sort. In this case, he's been complimented but will probably not verbally deign to accept the compliment. It happened when you handed him food. And again, when you were about to sit down next to him, which despite his reluctance and his terse words, he was happy about the company. You decide to not point out this quirk to him. He seems guarded and sensitive. Just a bit? Ha ha. 

As you regard him, his face turns red. 

"YOURE STARING AT ME. WATCH THE MOVIE ASSCRAYON."

"Sorry, you just look cool," you shrug and lick all of your ring pops in a row. The flavors are so artificial that nothing actually clashes. Yum. Sugar. You verbally acknowledged he looks cool. Shit. Of course he looks cool, he's now hanging out with you. You play it as placid as possible in response.

This compliment causes Karkat to drag down his hair into his face and cover his ears. "GET FUCKED IN YOUR SPHINCTER CASING YOU WHITE LUSUS LOOKING GLOBEFONDLER." 

Ah, so he's aware of his ear-twitching quirk, but you kind of see it happening anyway, under his thick black hair. It's very obvious he cuts his hair himself. At random. Possibly blindly. Plus it seems like he wants to plunder your booty while you fondle your globes, whatever those are. You want to joke about this, but he steams at you again seemingly just for continuing to look at him, "JUST WATCH THE FUCKING MOVIE NOOKMUNCH."

You begin to rethink it every time he talks, substituting insult words for compliments like turning nookmunch into 'you handsome motherfucker'. Inside you beam, you are possibly a very proud nookmunch. Munchin' nooks is where its at. You think about saying this but wonder how ridiculous it would be to him as you're not sure where the nook is or what it does. It is very possibly an asshole, you think, despite him previously using the words sphincter casing which is definitely an asshole. You want to turn the entire thing around at him, describing exactly how you would munch the nooks, but you also want to make a friend, so you just smile slightly to yourself and stare at the screen, biting hard on the inside of your cheeks and tongue to stay silent. 

Sick alien slang that gets you all hot,  
Talking nasty right in your blind spot,  
Coming in on fire and so so loud,  
His name is Karkat Vantas and he wants to get PLOWED.  
As in... wasted... by a rap... not... not that...

Okay no more of that. Wipe that sorry ass shit from your mental record. You pop a ringpop from your plentiful finger collection into your mouth and there it remains. That way nothing absolutely asinine falls out of your kinda smug human lips. 

During the middle of The Breakfast Club, Karkat speaks up again, jarring you.

"HUMANS VALUE VIRGINITY?"

"Unfortunately its treated as a prize commodity." You don't get it. You never have. Who fucking cares.

"FOR WOMEN ONLY?" You watch as his head tilts in abject confusion and you notice now his ring pop is a mere naked stub of a blue plastic thing. You take pity on him and hand him another one, which he accepts, but doesn't open. You consider him to be starving, probably, and possibly too proud to grab his own sustenance. Though when you look at him, he seems slightly bottom heavy. You think it'd be a shame if he was worried about his own figure. You're pretty sure he's still growing just like you are. He growls a little, which you think is actually him clearing his throat and then you remember his question.

"Usually yes, and for men, being a virgin is seen as an unwanted, uncool thing. Men are supposed to be the bosses who know everything or die pretending they do. It's dumb." Wow, you feel your own resentment come through. It almost surprises you. Almost. You've been pretty resentful lately as a trend, however.

"I UNDERSTAND THE CHARACTER OF ALLY SHEEDY AS ALLISON NOW." Karkat says, simply.

Then he looks you dead in the eyes and says, "YOUR HUMAN IDEAS OF GENDER ARE WARPED."

You nod. They are. You know that. You're not stupid. Rose has had so many talks with you about this by now. 

"MOLLY RINGWALD LOOKS LIKE TEREZI." He mentions, finally opening his ring pop. He seems considerably less nervous about this now, dismissing it as candy. It is candy. There should be no issue with this. Except the complications that come with marketing an adult mate-bonding concept to children. There were plenty of issues with that. Why not just make candy katanas? Actual stabbing motion included? Real cherry filling and it looks just like blood. Karkat is staring at you again as if expecting something.

You think about it and you realize without the glasses, blood red eyes, and her huge predatory grin, Terezi does kind of look like Molly Ringwald. 

"Maybe like her carnivorous alien sister," You offer up. Their lips are similar. To be honest, Terezi is hotter than Molly Ringwald to you. Way hotter. Even with the carnivorous alien part intact, or perhaps she's better with that? Your mind goes to weird places, but you ignore it. Seriously she puts her tongue on everything. It's not your fault. You cringe. 

Karkat doesn't comment further. You don't push it. He's been weird about Terezi from day one and from what you can tell Terezi isn't too interested in being his best buddy or his lovey dovey. Then again she doesn't seem too interested in you anymore either. You're sorta bummed about this but you keep it to yourself. She probably just wanted to troll you. In that, she was a complete success - now that you feel kind of empty and lonely and left behind. Yeah. Cool shit bro. A+ trolling effort. You're starting to face the real world now, the idea that Bro wasn't cool, and you aren't cool. The few people and aliens on the meteor aren't interested in blowing fake fairy bullshit smoke into your asshole to inflate you. It's whatever. You'd be a fucking dick if you were sitting around dwelling on this. So you don't.

Silence. The film finishes.

Karkat just sits there, hands hanging uselessly at his sides, balled into fists, completely concealed in his sleeves now that he's consumed both of his ring pops with avid fervor. You're wondering if he's waiting for the next film. He's avoided the other snacks you set out today. You expected commentary. Finally just when you're about to lay out a rap for him about the movie and some of your feelings, you watch Karkat inhale, and he begins to speak. You steel yourself, expecting a possible tirade. Something to the effect of WHY DID YOU MAKE ME WATCH THIS PUERILE HUMAN FILTH but that's not what happens.

"YOURE RIGHT I LIKED THAT MOVIE. I HAVE NOT SEEN A TROLL EQUIVALENT. PROBABLY BECAUSE THAT MOVIE DEALT WITH DIFFERENT CLIQUES AND CLASSES OF PEOPLE, WHICH IS SIMILAR TO TROLL BLOOD COLORS. MOVIES THAT ARE ALLOWED THROUGH BY THE EMPRESS HAVE TO MAKE THIS KIND OF POINT IN A MUCH MORE SUBTLE WAY OTHERWISE THEY WOULD NOT BE MADE. IT MIGHT BE TOO EARLY TO ADMIT THIS AND I DO NOT WANT TO ADMIT THIS, BUT IT IS POSSIBLE THAT YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE IN MOVIES AND YOUR POINT ABOUT THIS HUMAN ERA BEING SUPERIOR TO OTHERS MAY ACTUALLY BE ACCURATE. BUT TO KNOW FOR SURE I WILL HAVE TO WATCH A GREAT DEAL MORE HUMAN CINEMA."

You can tell it causes him a great amount of emotional pain to admit this. It's comical. You want to take a picture of him BAM! right now and frame it. Fuck. He's hilarious. So you do. You sneak one. You're pretty sure he sees and just ignores it? You're really enjoying this time with him. You make a mental note to attempt alchemizing a non-shitty jpeg-artifacted polaroid camera and decorating the common room with pictures of the many moods of Karkat Vantas. Complete with dicks. You'll draw so many dicks on those photos. You'd draw butts too but it just doesn't translate as well as a simplistic graphical symbol. That's art 101 bro.

"I know I have good taste in movies because I always have good taste in everything," You beam.

He shoots you a quizzical look, literally checking you out up and down with a slight frown on his face and you smirk, and offer him a bag of chips. So he's the only one allowed to have an ego but he's not willing to verbally call you on yours? You wiggle the crinkly bag of Doritos in front of his face. "These are for everyone you know."

"THANK YOU," He says, accepting the package and opening it. You see a flash of his very short yellow claws as they emerge from the armholes of his sweater like magic. 

"Woah no reason to jump my bones there, damn," You say sarcastically, plucking at your god hood as if you have to fan yourself off from the shock of his advances.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" He looks genuinely confused, clenching the bag of chips like he's a white anglo-saxon protestant soccer mom from the 1960s clutching his pearls but wearing a cutely oversized sweater, also pictured: fucked up hair and light gray skin. His thick short little eyebrows knot together. You wonder if he plucks them into their shape purposefully but you decide he doesn't do much physical maintenance after looking at his bird's nest hair again.

"You were polite then, you usually don't say thank you and it was so out of character that it almost felt like you wanted to take me back behind the woodshed and hatefuck me," You say, and as soon as you finish the line, you watch him visibly cringe to the degree of even sticking his tongue out a bit like he's about to hack up a particularly large hairball. 

Dave's word vomit, causing strifes since 1995. Your mind has been awfully homoerotic lately and you keep not landing the joke. It's the worst, really.

"YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW QUADRANTS WORK. IVE ACCEPTED THIS. PUT ON THE NEXT MOVIE SO I DONT HAVE TO HEAR YOUR FUCKING INFERIOR IDIOTIC PROTEIN CHUTE RUN."

He glares at you, "AND NEVER, NEVER MENTION HATEFUCKING AGAIN."

Ah, there it is. You shove another ring pop in your mouth. You watch Karkat grate his teeth in a strong grimace as you pick through the DVD pile until you find the other Molly Ringwald movies. You ready Pretty in Pink as you grab the Breakfast Club out of the player. 

"John Hughes directed Pretty in Pink too," You tell Karkat, "I'm pretty sure that he's never directed a bad movie in his life. He produced some bad ones though. If you want I can probably hook you up with some of his other non-romance genre movies because they're really funny. Ferris Bueller's Day Off is fantastic."

"WE'LL SEE," he says.

Silence. You decide to not be a smartass. It's really fucking difficult. You have to chant internally. 'Dave don't be a smartass, don't be a smartass, don't be a smartass,' like a broken record. If he could only understand your human jokes and references, you know he'd think you were a 'cool dude'. No homo. 

You proceed like this through the entire day, and possibly more than a normal day, you lose track of time somehow? It's been a very long time since that last happened for you. Occasionally Karkat has comments, questions, or criticisms of the films. 

Sleeping on the meteor is filled with uncomfortable nightmares so you load up on caffeine to delay it. You notice Karkat is doing the same, so the experience must be similar for him. The Mayor is the only one who joins you two occasionally even though you hear echoes of Terezi, Vriska, Rose, and Kanaya in the nearby kitchen from time to time. 

Everything passes just fine until you get to CITY OF ANGELS and you see Karkat cry for the first time.

Understandably so. But you freeze. You don't know what to do. It hits you. You've never ever seen another being cry in person. Ever. 

"Uh... you're leaking..." You say, and you pause the movie.

Red-tinted tears stream down his face.

"Uh..." You begin. You don't know what to do with your hands. They naturally want to do stuff, but you can't move. This is scary as fuck and you don't even know why. 

"NO TURN IT BACK ON YOU ABSOLUTE DOUCHECLOWN *SNIFF* ITS REALLY FUCKING GOOD," He yells through a sniffle, landing an exasperated sigh.

You immediately unpause the movie but you feel uncomfortable. You want to hug him or hold him or at least pat him gently on the back. You bite your tongue, literally and figuratively. 

Life with Bro never ever prepared you for this. You know that's bad. That's abnormal. Humans should be able to comfort other humans and humanoid aliens regardless of their latent violence quotient and possible sharp pokey impaling bits. Though Karkat is always insulting, you're not sure what comforting a troll is supposed to be like. After CITY OF ANGELS ends, you decide to take a break from watching movies and try to rest and relax in your own quarters and hopefully, dream peacefully. You suggest this to Karkat and you watch something like a spark die behind his eyes as he accepts. 

What? He's so maddeningly confusing to you. 

As you walk to your sleeping area, you think about him. He was actually willing to stay there with you and keep watching movies. For how long? You wonder. You mark him down as possibly an emotional masochist? You don't have an answer. Yet you're thrilled he seems to want to be friends with you. It feels just like the feeling you recall from when Jade, Rose, and John wanted to keep speaking to you after several days of chats. You whistle a happy tune. 

Okay not exactly like back then. Something is more interesting about him. Yet you chalk this up to him being an alien. You can't land jokes with him, so it's definitely off. He looks different and that's pretty cool, you decide. 

You get to your room and you pop in your earbuds and listen to the album '69 Love Songs' by The Magnetic Fields. You decide that eventually you have to figure out what kind of music Karkat listens to, you'd like to share some music with him, or make some music with him - if he hates all of your suggestions, a thought that you decide is more possible than not. A fantasy montage of you jamming it up with Karkat passes though your head. It surprises you when Rose pesters you.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: How did it go today Dave?  
TT: I assume it went well because you were in the common room for quite a long time.  
TG: it was okay  
TG: i got karkat pretty well associated with the works of john hughes and nora ephron  
TT: You know that I'm not as familiar with film directors as you so please familiarize me with the associated movies?  
TG: john hughes did sixteen candles, pretty in pink, the breakfast club  
TG: nora ephron did sleepless in seattle, when harry met sally, youve got mail  
TT: I'm now entirely sure you just treated Karkat to the best day and best date that he's ever had.  
TG: what  
TG: date it wasn't a date it was a regular bro thing  
TT: Does Karkat know that?  
TG: im pretty sure he knows  
TT: What are you doing right now?  
TG: what is this like the spanish inquisition or something i cant even  
TT: Considering I'm not getting my Iron Maiden out for you Dave I think it's just a simple question.  
TG: im listening to music  
TG: specifically 69 love songs by the magnetic fields  
TT: I'm just going to let you stare at that sentence and tell you that I'm going to go to bed.  
TG: listen most of these songs are like bad  
TG: bad romance  
TG: not by lady gaga  
TT: Sweet Dreams.  
TG: thats also a song you know  
TG: listen i can listen to as many songs about romance as i want bad or not  
TG: ill listen all night if i want to  
TG: as unrelated to karkat as possible  
TG: i can think of like 20 albums full of the lovey doviest shit possible  
TG: i own them all and i can listen to them all and it means nothing  
TG: rose why did you do this to my head  
TG: rose do you really think he thinks it was a date

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: rose  
TG: omg why

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] --  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TG: dude are you still awake  
TG: its okay if you arent  
TG: just had a quick question  
CG: WHAT  
TG: you know that today wasn't a date right  
CG: I AM AWARE OF THAT  
TG: and just because im listening to 69 love songs by the magnetic fields right now  
TG: it still means we didnt have a date  
TG: okay it was a date  
TG: but a friend date  
TG: just bros being guys  
TG: doing dude things  
TG: anytime we do a thing its just a dudebro man thing  
TG: i wanted you to know that  
CG: YOU KNOW I SAID WHAT UP THERE BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A LEGITIMATE QUESTION OR CONCERN OR EVEN A DISCUSSION OF WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO TOMORROW  
CG: I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND THAT MAYBE FOR ONCE IN YOUR STUPID VAPID LITTLE LIFE THAT YOU COULD SUSPEND YOUR COOLKID MACHO BROSHIT AND ENJOY SOMETHING OF LEGITIMATE EMOTIONAL SUBSTANCE WITHOUT MAKING IT FUCKING WEIRD AND PHOBIC AND REALLY OFFPUTTING  
CG: YOUR SPECIES IS SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP IF YOU CANT ENJOY MOVIES OF A CERTAIN GENRE WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR ACQUAINTANCES SINCE LETS FACE IT WE ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE ENOUGH FOR ME TO REGARD YOU AS A FRIEND  
CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN MY PESTERCHUM SOBBING LIKE A FUCKING WIGGLER BECAUSE YOU CANT HANDLE AN OUNCE OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY WITH A SAMEGENDERED FRIEND WITHOUT NEEDING ABSOLUTE CONFIRMATION THAT SAID INTERACTION IS NOT 'HOMOSEXUAL'  
CG: YOU HAVE JUST FUCKING LANDED YOUR SOGGY FLAT HUMAN ASS RIGHT DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF MY PREFERRED INDIVIDUALS TO INTERACT WITH LIST AND CONSIDERING THAT VRISKA IS ALSO ON THIS METEOR THAT IS QUITE A FUCKING FEAT  
CG: YOU SHOULD CONSIDER YOURSELF PROUD TO SUCK THAT FUCKING HARD  
TG: ok listen  
CG: NO

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has blocked turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: karkat

 

"Fuck," You mutter to yourself. 

Rose went to bed. You can't troll her. So you pace in your room, still listening to your stupid songs. You head back up to the common room and see that even the Mayor is asleep, cradling a bunch of cans in his arms. Early on while he was healing his injuries, you tried to give him comfortable bedding but he ended up shredding it and making beds for the cans. The guy is a stand up, self-sacrificing leader.

You pop out your heelies and you begin to sing along to the song, "But I'm the luckiest guy on the Lower East Side, 'Cause I've got wheels and you want to go for a ride..."

You transportalize and you're in a hallway with several paths. You don't know the troll area of the meteor very well, but you flashstep roll quickly down one of the paths, trying to find anything or anyone familiar. It's more weird when you run right into Vriska while you're singing.

"What are you doing here?" She asks in that keening voice of hers. Her intonation is more annoying than her screech factor.

"Fucking the fuck up, that's what," You admit.

"I'd say so but probably not for the reason you mean," She says, as if she knows everything, always.

Whatever. You don't buy her brand of shit, at all.

"Where is Terezi's room?" You ask her, not really expecting anything out of her beyond snark.

"Follow me," She says, and she guides you. You're surprised at that, actually, and you feel kind of uncomfortable and tired now, and you want to go back to your room, but you don't. 

She leads you eventually into what you can easily guess based on the decorations is a room for both of them. 

"I 8rought you a guest who has fucked the fuck up," Vriska says in a careening voice towards Terezi, who is busy drawing on the walls of her side of the room. 

"H3Y D4V3," She greets you, not turning around. Normally you'd think this is weird, but she's blind so sometimes her physical actions don't make a lot of sense. "N1C3 TO SM3LL YOU DOWN H3R3, TH4NKS 4 TH3 R3D R1NG C4ND13S 34RL13R!"

"No problem," You say, sitting in the middle of the room. Vriska seems to regard you with little concern as she files her claws with something very sharp while sitting on a weird pile of gutted dragon plushies mixed with broken 8-balls. How that shit is comfortable you don't know. 

"YOU H4V3 4 K4RK4T R3L4T3D PROBL3M DONT YOU?"

You chuckle a little, "I do, actually, kind of, though maybe its more a me problem at this point and I just pissed off Karkat for like, the second day in a row."

She turns to you now, putting her chalk away as she crawls closer before finally plopping in front of you. "WH4TS TH4T YOUR3 L1ST3N1NG TO >:?" She asks, an extremely quizzical expression on her face. 

"Oh," You say, and you offer up your earbuds to her. "It's an album called 69 Love Songs by The Magnetic Fields."

"S1XTY N1N3?" She grins ear to ear, "LOV3 SONGS?"

You can hear it in her voice, insinuating the same thing Rose kind of insinuated. Yet you won't fall into that pit of vipers again, so you play it cool. 

"Most of them are about failed romance, actually. I think I deserve that after a day of watching sappy romcoms with Karkat."

"B3C4US3 YOU TH1NK YOU D3S3RV3 4 F41L3D ROM4NC3 >:?" She cocks her head.

"No," You say, shaking your head, "I don't think I deserve anything, I wasn't expecting anything, I just wanted to make friends with Karkat, and I pestered him earlier and made sure he knew that we were just being friends and that today wasn't some big romantic date thing..." You falter and trail off, because Vriska is cracking the fuck up at you. Vriska is literally laughing so hard that blue tears are coming from her eyes. Terezi just looks at her with the same quizzical expression and makes no move to chide her in any way, shape, or form.

"You fucked up," Vriska says, "You seriously did. You 8rought Karkat Vantas, of all people, a candy red ring, and a treasure trove of romantic human movies, and then you m8de sure, after it was all said and done, to remind him it was entirely friend 8ased and not romantic at all. Let's get it str8t, that's what happened, right?"

You weren't expecting her to interject, but you sigh and answer her, "Yes. Exactly. Because I'm not attracted to boys."

"Are you sure a8out that?" Vriska asks and her eyes are narrowing as she pulls out some dice, "8ecause I could find out right now what the truth is, it only takes a little luck."

"Do your fucking nastiest, I am dead sure I don't like boys," You say, "It doesn't matter what you roll on your magic little dice."

"D4V3 HOW D1D K4RK4T 4CTU4LLY R34CT?" Terezi asks, concerned, "1V3 B33N WORR13D 4BOUT H1M FOR 4WH1L3 BUT DU3 TO OUR P4ST 1 H4V3NT CONFRONT3D H1M 4BOUT 4NYTH1NG..."

Their past? You wonder what it is, but you don't pry. You suspected there was something there anyway, due to Karkat's behavior. 

"Here, take a lick," You say and you hand your device fully to Terezi, who still has your earbuds in. Your conversation with Karkat is up on the screen. 

Meanwhile, it appears Vriska is rolling her dice anyway. It must mean something special to her, you decide, since no spidery doom engulfs you after her roll. She just looks at you curiously. "Dave, I 8elieve that right now you 8elieve that you are r8ght, 8ut after a time of introspection you'll change your mind."

"Because magical dice can tell you anyone's sexuality?" You ask incredulously.

"My dice never lie." Vriska confirms and captchalogues them again. 

"TH3Y DONT," Terezi confirms and hands you your phone and earbuds back. "1TS 4PP4R3NT TO M3 TH4T K4RK4T UND3RST4NDS 4 LOT MOR3 4BOUT HUM4N CULTUR3 TH4N 1 DO," Terezi admits.

"From that conversation, you can tell that?" You ask, surprised. 

"Oooooooof course he does, he was soooooooo into trolling John it wasn't even funny," Vriska complains, "To troll someone really well, don't you have to know about their culture? Just like your jokes with Karkat weren't landing 8ecause you don't know enough about troll culture to make funny jokes for us," Vriska mentions.

"Hey what the fuck, how do you know that? And how come, if he knows so much about human culture, he wasn't laughing at my jokes anyway?" 

"8ecause your jokes are all about your insecurities, that means they're shitty jokes 8ecause they're not rel8table," Vriska admonishes you.

Your stone face does not crack.

Terezi pats your leg supportively. "OK4Y 1 H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TO S4Y 4ND YOU M4Y NOT L1K3 1T BUT VR1SK4 1S R1GHT."

"I'm always right," Vriska chimes in with a grin.

"3V3N 1N YOUR CONV3RS4T1ON W1TH K4RK4T YOUR 1NS1ST3NC3 ON 1T JUST B31NG 4 FR13NDS TH1NG 1S W31RD B3C4US3 1F 1TS JUST 4 FR13NDS TH1NG YOU DONT H4V3 TO B3 SO CR4ZY OV3RBO4RD W1TH TH3 1NS1ST3NC3 OF 1T," Terezi says, "1N 4 COURT OF L4W 1F 1 PR3S3NT3D TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON 4S 3V1D3NC3, H1S HONOR4BL3 TYR4NNY WOULD PRONOUNC3 YOU G4Y."

"Okay but, listen, I find both of you ladies attractive, so I'm not gay," You're lying. Vriska isn't attractive to you in the slightest. You just don't want to be mean to her.

"Noooooooo 8ut you're not str8 so that means you're 8isexual, duh," Vriska croons.

Bisexual. You let that sit in your mind awhile. "Bisexual, but who is actually bisexual?"

Both girls laugh, "Only like our entire fucking species!" Vriska chortles. 

"Okay but you guys aren't human," You insist. They're just dice. They don't matter. 

"Yes 8ut our culture also doesn't stigmatize 8eing 8isexual," Vriska says, "And in c8se you forgot, your r8ce is b8sed on ours."

"TRU3," Terezi says.

You have your hands on your head. You admit it, your face cracked, big and bad. You want to scream. Someone else does it for you.

"WHAT ARE YOU HORNLICKERS EVEN DOING IN HERE? ITS SO FUCKING LOUD!" Suddenly Karkat's voice emerges from behind you.

Terezi chuckles and smiles at Karkat. Well, sort of. You can tell she means to face in his direction but it's kind of off. You don't correct her. You don't turn around.

Surprisingly, Vriska doesn't out you at all, she just resumes filing her nails and kind of ignores Karkat.

"T4LK1NG," Terezi answers. 

Vriska sort of eyes you and tilts her head towards Karkat and you know that's a gesture for you to turn around and see him, so you kind of do. You turn just enough to take him in via your peripheral vision. Yet you nearly choke on hilarity, having to immediately turn back towards Terezi with your hand over your face to muffle your laugh. Karkat is in head to toe crab-print pajamas with little crab slippers and an honest to god crab print night cap on his head. 

"DAVE I THOUGHT YOU DIDNT EVER COME DOWN HERE," He says and you can hear his tone is beyond irritated but he's withholding it. You think that's because of the girls.

"I usually don't," You manage to eek out between silent choked laughs. 

"D4V3 W4NT3D TO M4K3 SUR3 W3 GOT OUR HUM4N C4ND13S," Terezi covers for you, though you're not sure that's necessary. It's probably pretty obvious that you felt bad about your interaction with Karkat and at the very least you were seeking some consoling from someone. 

"OKAY WELL KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN SOME OF US ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO SLEEP," Karkat says and he huffs off. 

You bust out laughing and Terezi just stares at you, interested. Vriska knowingly smiles. 

"He wears... fucking... crab printed... pajamas," You wheeze out.

"NO WOND3R H3 SM3LL3D 3XTR4 CR4BBY," Terezi says, grinning. 

"Oh fuck," You exclaim and you fall backwards, wiping your eyes. "He's such a fucking dork, I can't even believe it."

"That's your type, 8y the way, clueless dorks," Vriska says in a sort of passive tone.

Both girls just stare at you until you sit up. "Are both of you serious right now? You are, aren't you?" You shake your head, "I think I need to call it a night at this point, blame it all on sleep deprivation or something, because I can't do this conversation right now."

"I have some advice for you, free of charge," Vriska says, "I wouldn't 8ring that stuff up to Karkat again. Just get over it. Otherwise he might shun your friendship completely. He'll see you as emotionally weak and for him that's probably the worst trait in someone."

You look down at Terezi and she just nods. "H3S NOT 4CTU4LLY V3RY M4TUR3, 3V3N THOUGH H3 KNOWS 4 LOT 4BOUT ROM4NC3. H3S 4CTU4LLY V3RY SHY 4BOUT TH3 SUBJ3CT WH3N 1T P3RT41NS TO H1M P3RSON4LLY."

"That's why he freaked out when I asked him if he wanted to fall in love?" 

"Oh my god I can't t8ke any more of this, you need to leave," Vriska drawls, turning away from you to face the wall. 

"WH3N D1D YOU 4SK H1M TH4T?" Terezi asks.

"Yesterday," You say, "I just wanted to be his friend, so I asked if I could sit and watch his movies with him, I alchemized some food for us, I found out that he likes romance movies. I was just thinking of topics he might like to talk about something. It honestly just popped out." Now, saying all of this out loud, it really does seem like you've fucked up big time.

"L3T M3 G3T TH1S STR41GHT Y3ST3RD4Y YOU 4SK3D K4RK4T 1F H3 W4NT3D TO F4LL 1N LOV3 4ND TH3N TOD4Y YOU OFF3R3D H1M 4 C4NDY R3D R1NG 4ND W4TCH3D ROM4NT1C MOV13S 4LL D4Y 4ND 4T TH3 3ND OF TH3 D4Y YOU TOLD H1M YOU W3R3NT 1NT3R3ST3D 1N H1M ROM4NT1C4LLY 4T 4LL?"

You wince. When it's put like that, that's exactly what happened and it reads like the clueless male protagonist of some romcom. "Should I like, go to him and apologize?"

"Jeeeeeeeesus do we have to do everything for you? Figure it out on your own!" Vriska exclaims, her tone even more high-pitched and irritating than before. Terezi frowns like she hears something that you can't. Which very well might be the case. 

"YOU SHOULD GO NOW D4V3 SORRY," Terezi says, clearly more concerned with the level of fed up that Vriska is than your situation with Karkat, as she stands and approaches her without a second look back at you. 

"Right, I'm sorry for stressing you two out, thanks for the advice, Goodnight," You call to them, trying to be as polite as possible as you leave. 

It's not too difficult to find Karkat's room, it's basically in the next hallway over, which is why Karkat could hear you and the girls talking through the walls. You're not sure why he'd choose a room so close to them, but maybe it was a safety-based idea instituted by Vriska, if anything. When you peer into his room, he's sitting on a pile of honest-to-god books and sweaters and watching something on his husktop, with his headphones on. You wave until he looks up at you, and he instantly scowls and looks down, pulling his headphones off and issuing you a curt, "WHAT."

"I wanted to say I'm sorry for the outburst earlier on pesterchum."

"I KNOW," He says, but he doesn't look at you.

Oh? "How?" You question.

"DO YOU THINK IM AN IDIOT? WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE HANGING OUT WITH VRISKA AND TEREZI AFTER NEARLY TWO WEEKS OF NOT TALKING TO EITHER OF THEM AT ALL?"

You step away, kind of baffled, but you hold your face intact. 

"MOREOVER DO YOU REALLY THINK IM THAT EASY THAT ID ASSUME THAT OUR TWO DAYS WORTH OF INTERACTION WAS AN IMMEDIATE INVITATION INTO A RELATIONSHIP?" 

Ah, now you can kind of understand why he was angry, "I, actually have no experience with relationships, so I have no clue. But I do know that I should apologize when I've been rude or wrong, so I'm doing that," And you think about everything Vriska said but you ignore it. You have no idea how to process it right now. 

"APOLOGY ACCEPTED NOW GO TO BED." He says and then he rolls around on his pile, away from you.

You leave.

When you get back into the common room, the Mayor is there. He hands you a piece of paper, which at first you think is a notice. Instead it's a Citation, Disturbance of the Peace, sentencing you to Community Service, which is very specifically noted as 'Build a Recreation Area.' You nod. That's about right. You pat his head and say, "I'll get right to it in the morning. I'm sorry about the racket."

As you walk to your room you think about what Vriska said. It was so outlandish to you that you can't really take it seriously. As you drift off to sleep though, you realize that crushes don't have to be completely based on the physical. You could be romantically attracted to someone's personality first. But then you're asleep and you're not thinking at all. 

You dream about birds and music. The world is a giant record, it keeps spinning no matter what. The birds keep flying. You used to admire them. You wished you could fly away. You didn't even understand you were wishing for that when you were younger. Now you understand.


	3. The Cactus Where Your Heart Should Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave does 'community service'. 
> 
> Karkat is actually trying to be Dave's friend, bless him. 
> 
> Dave, big confusion about his Karkat infatuation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I'm still not sure it's just right for publishing to the masses but I'm sick of sitting on it!
> 
> Also I don't care that Angels by The XX was made in 2012, just uhhhh, pretend it came out in early 2009, k! I could find another song but it wouldn't fit my mood and I'm a persnickety bastard.
> 
> This fic was written long before I tied any songs into it, I just like music.

Chapter 3 - The Cactus Where Your Heart Should Be 

When you wake up, you get right to community service. The Mayor sleeps on, uninterrupted by you drawing chalk grids on the cold lab floors beyond the borders of the back of the couch. You pause every few moments to ruminate on the fact that you can't stop thinking about Karkat and the likelihood of you fucking this friendship up. Nothing in your life has ever felt as essential as making this connection and it bothers you. You sit back on your bent knees and you adjust your hair, probably smudging chalk on your face. You don't care. You close your eyes and you think about being in Texas again. The sound of the HVAC on the roof, the pounding of your heart in your head almost drowning it out, the grip of the katana in your hand and the ache in your shoulders. The blistering heat that made it so hard to breathe. The glare on the rooftops muted by your shades. The acrid smell of rubber sealant baking in the 100 degree summer sun. It's real, you have the scars to prove it, but it feels so distant now. Everything with Karkat, his face, the unidentifiable material his sweater is made of, his slender fingertips, the croaky sound of his voice, is so much lighter, so much more preferable to your past. That's what it is, your inner voice tells you, this life is easier, friendlier, it's natural you'd want to engage it and cling to it. You don't have to fight, you don't have to fight anymore! Yet you want to, maybe you've been trained to by now, and so you want to fight for this friendship with Karkat. Yeah, that's got to be what it is, you convince yourself. Yet you have to cool it, you have to, or you'll send the wrong signals. You promise yourself to cool it. If you're making friends, it shouldn't be a fight! Resolute, you continue your civil planning. 

When Karkat comes to the common room a little while later, he ignores you and continues to sift through your pile of movies for one he hasn't watched. You take a moment to reach back and supply him with some from your sylladex that you hadn't put in the pile after it's obvious that he'll grumble himself to death if you don't help out. 

"I have some Jim Henson movies here, pretty much a given with my background, but it's more likely that you'll like the Princess Bride, here," you offer and hand the small stack to him over the couch, barely moving your gaze to regard his fluffy messy head.

He accepts them but stares down at you with a confused look. You sigh and flash him the official citation from the Mayor and then watch him read it and laugh at you. It's a total surprise when he puts the movies you've given him on the table with the others and he says, "DO YOU WANT SOME HELP WITH THE COMMUNITY RECREATION CENTER?"

"No, no, it's cool, it's my bad, not yours, you should watch the Labyrinth or the Dark Crystal or some shit, maybe some Legend. It has unicorns, I bet you've never heard of those before," You shrug.

His hand touches the top of your head. It's warm. The gesture surprises you and your spine straightens, stuck in place like a broken gear, and you realize your breathing has stopped. Just like that, Karkat's hand is gone again, but you don't relax. You can't.

"IF I HELP YOU, THE WORK WILL GO FASTER, IDIOT."

You'd deny him again, but when you look over, the Mayor is beaming up at Karkat and bouncing up and down. You wonder how much of Karkat's interaction with you so far has been encouraged by the Mayor. Probably all of it. You sigh at the tightness in your chest.

"Yeah, okay, the Mayor seems to be happy with that plan, I think he might want to watch movies too."

Karkat comes and sits next to you, and helps you organize the cans. You are finishing laying everything out with chalk. It's quiet the entire time, except for the urgings of the Mayor, pulling on Karkat's sleeve until he talks.

While you're drawing Karkat gives in and says courageously and very settled, "VRISKA ISN'T USUALLY WRONG BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT HER INFORMATION IS GIVEN AT THE RIGHT TIME, OR IN THIS CASE POSSIBLY THE RIGHT TIMELINE."

Now, as you're drawing white chalk outlines of trees, you realize that Karkat literally heard everything from your little shitfit with the troll ladies last night. You swallow. You hadn't wanted to think about this subject, yet you suppose that with all the discomfort you've put Karkat through recently, you're owed some more on your end. It's karma.

You can't help yourself, you can't really. You're upset he brought it up. You're upset you have to address it at all. You're upset he overheard it.

"Why is your room so close to theirs anyway? They're girls and they're clearly together in some kind of quadranty romance situation, so shouldn't you be somewhere else?" You shoot him a look from beyond your shades, he probably can see your eyes. Good. Let him see. 

Karkat moves into a really uncomfortable looking crablike squat, and presses his fingers to his chin, "EVEN IN ALTERNIA THAT'S CALLED DEFLECTION, DAVE, BUT TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, SINCE YOU INSIST ON BEING AN INSIPID LITTLE SHIT STAIN, I THOUGHT AT FIRST THAT THE SITUATION WOULD BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT THAN IT ENDED UP BEING, AND I PROBABLY *SHOULD* CHANGE THE LOCATION OF MY ROOM. AS IT IS, NOT THAT ANY OF THIS IS YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, BUT I'VE ACTUALLY SPENT MORE NIGHTS HERE ON THIS COUCH AWAKE THAN IN MY ROOM TRYING TO SLEEP."

"No, that's actually obvious," You say, calm, continuing to draw a perfectly straight grid parking lot for your communal structure, "Are you going to tell me which quadrant you thought Terezi was in with you?"

"I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY QUADRANTS AT ALL, OR IN EVEN ABOUT QUADRANTS IN GENERAL UNTIL YOU STOP TREATING MY CULTURE LIKE IT'S A BIG JOKE COMPARED TO THE FUSTY FECAL FESTIVAL HUMANS CALL A CULTURE."

You glance up at him but you stay focused on your task. You see the Mayor eyeballing both of you slightly as if he disapproves of your tones. 

"Well," You say, "I don't know anything, but I'm guessing it was diamonds or hearts, possibly both, possibly very conflicted, which might be why it failed, and you're completely right, it's none of my business, and you're right about my culture being a huge joke. But hey, if you can't laugh at your own culture, especially when it sucks, or when it expects the impossible from you, what's the point of being alive?" You give a despairing laugh and peek up at him.

It's like his eyes are on fire again, yet he doesn't talk. He just stares at you like there's twin flaming daggers pointed right at your heart and they're aimed to destroy. It hurts. You're not used to this kind of feeling. It's totally different from Bro, John, Jade, or Rose. You always knew when Rose looked disappointed in you that you still owned her heart forever, it was an affectionate disapproval. With Karkat, nothing is affectionate, even though your mind touches on the fact that he put his hand on your head earlier, offered to help, and actually did come back to the common room - It just doesn't feel the same. He still feels like that tentative wild animal with standards on friendships and relationships you're incapable of grasping, and he is entirely unable to trust you. It bothers you, so you ramble, naturally. 

"Just like if you can't talk to your would-be friends about personal shit, what kind of friend are they?" You huff out a laugh. "Though there were plenty of times I sure as fuck didn't so what am I saying?"

"I used to think Terezi was pretty cool, and yeah, she's very attractive, I thought the same thing about Jade. Yet here we are, and shit just didn't pan out. It's all hella pans for days when all you need is a spoon and that spoon is so rare it's blue. That's life," you shrug and return to the chalk grid. 

"IS THAT ACTUALLY LIFE, OR IS IT YOUR OWN STRIDER BRAND PERSONAL FORM OF SELF-SABOTAGE?"

You chuckle, your mouth quirking into a smile, "Do we have that in common?" 

"WE'RE STILL NOT HATEFRIENDS, DAVE. WE WON'T BE FOR A VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME," Karkat grumbles, rolling his eyes and expelling a loud sigh with force. His tone is poisonous and biting and his stare pierces you right through your chest. You actually feel it and you almost jerk back in reaction. 

"Because you loved Terezi and aren't over how she kind of chose me over you for a hot minute, or for some other more legitimate reason such as oh, one I can't fucking think of at all?" You mention callously as you stack cans. You've kind of stopped caring. He deflected too, you're not as unobservant as he thinks.

"A VARIETY OF REASONS, POSSIBLY INCLUDING THAT REASON, BUT ALSO BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING SELFISH SHALLOW EMOTIONALLY REGRESSED DOUCHEBAG THAT I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT TEREZI WITH, EVER. YOU WANDER AROUND ACTING LIKE YOU HAVE A FUCKING SOUL SUCKING SLUG IN YOUR DAMN PAN AND EVERY PIECE OF VERBAL VOMIT THAT COMES FROM YOU IS AT LEAST HALF MADE UP OF THE SLUG'S FECAL EXCRETIONS."

"Ouchies," You say, mockingly, and the Mayor straight up shoots you an ice-cold look and shakes his head. Damn, you didn't know tiny black beady eyes could even DO that.

"That's fair," You append, after breathing deeply for several seconds, and you resist the urge to needle Karkat more about shit that actually doesn't matter in the long run. 

Somehow you finish the recreation area despite the tension between the two of you, and you end up sitting on the couch with Karkat, the Mayor seated between the two of you. The Mayor takes it upon himself to start The Princess Bride and devours most of the snacks into his voidlike carapacian mouth pretty quickly. 

"I just want to be your friend, dude," you say to Karkat while the movie is running. The thought won't stop cycling in your brain and you're not going to let him accuse you again of being emotionally 'regressed.'

"I KNOW. IT'S AS OBVIOUS AS A ROTTEN BIN FILLED WITH MAGGOTS, I COULD LITERALLY SMELL YOUR DESPERATE THIRST FOR MY ACQUAINTANCESHIP IF I WENT BACK TO MY FUCKING PILE RIGHT NOW AND TRIED AND FAILED TO SLEEP AGAIN," his tone is dark, rumbling.

The Mayor literally makes a screech, pauses The Princess Bride, and stares Karkat down. Karkat frowns at him and rolls his eyes.

"IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE *FRIENDS* WITH YOU, *EVENTUALLY*, DAVE, IF YOU COULD STOP BEING OBTUSE," he ends up hissing out, behind closed teeth. 

The Mayor takes Karkat's fist and your fist and gives them a BUNP together and then unpauses the movie.

You stare at Karkat. The angrier he is, the uglier and less interesting he is, you decide. All those feelings about how awesome or cool he looks and sounds sort of fade away and you just see this astounding asshole before you and it fucking stinks like rotten sewage dried and set gloriously ablaze. It's a proper funeral pyre for what could've been the glorious shining gilded king that was your idea of friendship with him. You pick up your iphone and message Rose. The Mayor eyes you, but allows it. 

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: karkat is fucking ugly when hes pissed off  
TT: As opposed to what, hauntingly beautiful when he's not?  
TG: or just  
TG: haunting  
TG: like a ghost  
TG: because he's kind of scary  
TT: Weak.  
TG: did you know he had a thing with terezi  
TG: and he is super super sensitive about it  
TG: because she chose me over him  
TG: then she rejected us both  
TT: I didn't know this exactly, but I didn't not know this.  
TG: its stupid something like this can affect whether or not were friends  
TT: So you would like Karkat to adopt the mentality of 'bros before hoes?'  
TG: exactly

See? Rose understands.

So you say it, "Bros before hoes, Karkat, bros before hoes."

"IS THAT JUMBLED MESS OF WORDS SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING TO ME?" He seethes, his eyes narrowed at you.

"It means friendship should be a priority before romantic relationships and romantic relationships shouldn't wreck friendships," You shrug. 

"QUICK QUESTION, CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT *HOES* ARE?" Karkat is glowering at you now. You're guessing somehow that the word 'ho' has some meaning on Alternia just like it does on Earth. Hmm. Oops. 

"Generally it refers to girls that sleep around with lots of different guys, but honestly it can just mean any girl, or any love interest." What? It's not like you're going to lie to him. You know you're eating your foot, and if you have to, you might as well make a decent meal of it.

"DAVE, DO YOU THINK TEREZI IS A *HO*?" Karkat growls. 

"No, Hell no."

"GOOD THAT IS THE *CORRECT* ANSWER."

"Look dude, I just don't see how your romantic interest in Terezi, and her basically fucking trolling me and me going along with it like a giddy little piss-ass puppy and then being dropped like a bad habit has anything to do with why we can't be civil fucking friends with each other like normal dudes," You stare at him.

He stares back but says nothing. 

TG: confirmed he does not understand bros before hoes as a concept  
TT: I'm afraid I don't know what to do about that, Dave.   
TT: Honestly, I think you have to just let things run their course.   
TG: i feel like i was looking forward too much to having like  
TG: a new shitty film buddy again  
TG: i miss john  
TT: As do I.   
TG: and now everything is fucked up  
TG: just because he had the hots for terezi  
TG: terezi wasnt even serious with her hots for me  
TG: im not sure how thats possible but thats clearly what happened  
TG: why is he even counting it as a thing  
TT: I don't mean to be pry, but, have you ever actually had a real crush on someone, Dave?  
TG: jesus dick apparently i havent because i dont get any of this at all  
TT: Everything, even small things, seem to get magnified in your mind's eye.  
TT: It's quite a miserable state to be in, I'd imagine.  
TG: can i ask you a thing  
TG: just between you and me  
TG: why did you keep talking to me after the first time  
TT: I found you immediately interesting, despite the fact that you couch everything of substance in your rather colorful vernacular, you're a very intelligent and creative person, Dave.  
TG: i dont feel like either of those things lately  
TG: karkat and i are getting along like a plane on fire  
TG: three hundred fucking passengers all screaming with their flesh searing off  
TG: the first class fuckers are dead ass happy as hell to be drunk on all those tiny alcohol samples  
TG: but were not first class and no ones going to feel shit when that air bird catapults towards the great inevitable dirt nap  
TT: After you get done with your activities today in the common room, I believe it's probably in your best interest to pay Kanaya and I a visit.  
TG: word

You let the Mayor run the DVD player. Karkat seems content to do the same. The Mayor puts in Legend next, and he seems impressed with the unicorns. You love the Mayor, you really do. He accepted you as a friend instantly. Though it seems obvious he did the same for Karkat. 

At one point during the movie, you glance at Karkat to find he's already looking at you and his yellow sclerae are striking. He doesn't break the stare, which feels awkward. You can't understand his facial expression in the slightest, so you look down in your lap before turning back towards the movie. You suppose it doesn't matter if he watches Legend or if he wants to stare at you the entire time. It's whatever. Normally maybe you'd be cracking a mental joke about how 'of course he's looking at your fine ass' but you don't feel that fine right now, and it certainly doesn't matter to Karkat how you look at all. You feel like you might play with that concept later just to see his reactions, but you also feel like fucking off forever and not putting any more effort into it since he'll just auto-hate you for a year or so before considering you a friend. 

As the credits are rolling, the Mayor tugs at you, and you agree to get some more snacks for the group while the Mayor readies the Labyrinth. You watch from the alchemiter as Karkat plainly stares at you again. Somehow his expression reminds you of something you can't quite put your finger on. It's a strange feeling, it reminds you of the dreams you've had about clocks. It's happened a few times now, a nightmare of a wall full of different clocks and you can hear all of them ticking, but you know something is missing and time is counting down. Sometimes you watch as Bro's steely face is reflected in the shiny surfaces of the clocks. When you look over at Karkat again, he's laughing with the Mayor. It's a completely different feeling. You feel jealous, you know you do. You wonder why their friendship came so easy. You bite at your lip and focus back on your task. 

This time, you try not to concern yourself with whether or not Karkat grabs any snacks. You let the Mayor do that for you. You half watch the Labyrinth and half type up some rap lyrics on your phone. 

"WHAT?" Karkat exclaims suddenly, looking at the Mayor.

"NO CLEARLY WHAT JARETH FEELS FOR SARAH IS BLACK. PITCH BLACK. SPADES AS FUCK!"

You snicker and roll your eyes. He's talking to the Mayor about relationships in the movie. 

Karkat shoots you a burning look again as he says between his teeth, "DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD, *DAVE*?" He says your name in the way batteries spring a leak and the lead acid ruins everything under it and around it. It even almost smells like frying plastic in the air. 

"Whatever Jareth feels is screwed up, he's an adult and he's fucking up this teen girl's life by stealing her baby brother and making her traverse this sadistic ass maze? That's pretty low. I'm not sure what he was expecting would happen with Sarah, but fuck him and his fancy tight meggings and protuberant bulge," You jeer, not looking up at the angsty troll kid.

"WHAT'S WITH YOU AND *MEGGINGS* ANYWAY, WHY DO YOU EVEN INSIST ON USING THAT TERM, YOU CAN JUST SAY LEGGINGS, DAVE, YOU DON'T NEED TO SPECIFY IN SOME OFFHAND WAY THAT THEY ARE MEN'S LEGGINGS MADE FOR MEN. JUST LIKE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT DAVID BOWIE IS THE EPITOME OF FASHION AND SEX APPEAL WHETHER OR NOT HE IS TROLL DAVID BOWIE OR HUMAN DAVID BOWIE."

You ignore him. He's just defending what he thinks is a veiled slight against his shitty fashion choice. You continue to write your raps even as the Mayor puts in The Dark Crystal. You go the whole movie without taking one glance at Karkat Vantas. At the *real* Karkat Vantas anyway. You do open up that locked folder on your phone and stare for several minutes at the picture you took of him the other day, the one with the ring pop. You think about deleting it. Something about it is a lie. It's a singular moment, captured forever, frozen, perfect, but false, nonetheless. You find your finger shaking as you hold the image over the trash can. In the end, you can't do it. You like the photo you took, even if what you like most about it was the fact that you took a good photo. It's not Karkat you like, it's your art, you decide, and you've never thrown away your art before unless it was totally trashed by an unfortunate apple juice spill or a rather purposeful katana slice. Upon this revelation, you lock up the photo again and you look at Karkat even though you didn't mean to. His face is twisted into a grotesque mask of total confusion, nearing disgust as he squints his beady little eyes at the TV screen. Avoiding a laugh and keeping a straight face, you snap a photo of him like this, and you lock your phone and put it away.

After the Dark Crystal ends, Karkat throws up his hands and says, "OKAY MOST OF THE END OF THAT MADE ZERO SENSE WHATSOEVER, IT LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY GALLSPHINCTER, CAN WE PLEASE GO BACK TO THE ROMANCE MOVIES?"

You were expecting that reaction from him to The Dark Crystal, given his facial expression during the entire last half of it.

"Sure, put in Gone with the Wind," you tell the Mayor. It should entertain you all for a very very long time. Or torture you, you don't really care at this point. 

You pay more attention to this movie, even with how long it is. Your raps weren't going that well anyway. You just keep mentally cycling back to what Vriska said to you, and the fact that Terezi just agreed with her, without any question. You keep looking at Karkat and he's just a guy. Yeah he's interesting, but he's just a guy. An abrasive rude one, at that. 

"SHE'S REALLY FULL OF VITRIOL ISN'T SHE? SHE REMINDS ME OF A HIGHBLOOD," Karkat notes about Scarlett O'Hara.

"She's rich and spoiled as fuck," You add, you assume that's what a highblood is. You know you're somewhat correct, just like you have a vague idea about quadrants. You just don't care to get invested in the system. It's dead, just like your society and culture is now dead. Though, you admit, your curiosity is piqued. Karkat seems so involved with troll society and its nuance, and you realize pretty quickly you're going to have to know something about his culture to get to know him and be his friend.

"SHE SLAPPED THAT GUY JUST BECAUSE HE WASN'T INTERESTED IN HER," Karkat mentions.

"Yeah that was all types of very uncool. Shit was downright chill. Antarctic chill. Penguins could slide down that shit with ease."

The Mayor nods.

"You ever been slapped by a highblood, Karkat?" You ask, imagining his unique tone of voice has gotten him into trouble very often.

He laughs wholeheartedly, which surprises you, "NO, THANK FUCK, I'D PROBABLY BE DEAD IF THAT HAD HAPPENED."

"Was that a really stupid question? Is that why you laughed?" You guess even as your brain hyperfocuses on the sound of his laugh, even long after it has stopped, it plays on repeat in your head. 

"YEAH BASICALLY."

It's silent for some time. You can't stop thinking of the sound of his voice, the heavy contrast between his speaking voice and his musical laughter. It bugs you but eventually you kind of strum a beat out on your thigh to the thought of it. It's not going anywhere, you might as well jam quietly to yourself as you watch. 

"GOD THIS IS A MESS, SCARLETT NEEDS A MOIRAIL SO BADLY," Karkat insists. You notice the Mayor is nodding. 

"Me too, I think I'm going to need a moirail after watching this. That's the friend quadrant right?"

"DAVE SERIOUSLY, JUST STOP."

"Karkat tell me about quadrants, I know you want to," You wink at him. He can't see it. Oh well. 

"BELIEVE IT OR NOT I'M NOT ACTUALLY THE VILLAGE TWO WHEEL DEVICE QUADRANT LECTORTURER."

You frown and roll your eyes downward into your lap. Okay. Whatever. You're slightly surprised when he continues to explain himself though. The Mayor, realizing the conversation will continue this time, pauses the film. 

"A MOIRAIL IS MUCH MORE THAN A FRIEND. BASICALLY THEY KEEP YOU IN LINE SO YOU DON'T RAGE AND GO HOMICIDAL, THEY ADVISE YOU SO YOU DON'T DO PROFOUNDLY STUPID LIFE-RISKING STUFF, THEY COMFORT YOU AND ASSURE YOU OF THINGS, IT'S MORE THAN A FRIEND, IT REQUIRES A LOT OF TIME AND COMMITMENT."

"It sounds like friendship to me," You shrug.

"WOULD YOU TAKE A BATH WITH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS AND LET THEM WASH YOUR HAIR?"

"Lol, if they wanted to, sure." You would. You're not lying. You imagine Karkat doing it. It's kind of weird, distant in a way you can't really imagine, but you're sure you'd let him. The thought is pleasant, you've never considered something like this so your mind lingers on it. 

"WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THAT YOU'RE MAYBE SLIGHTLY UNUSUAL IN THIS RESPECT BASED ON WHAT I'VE SEEN IN HUMAN FILMS AND FROM WATCHING YOUR SPECIES THUS FAR?"

"Dude I am probably hells of levels of weird," You gesticulate, "But if you really want to wash my hair so we can bond, Karkat, I won't stop you."

"FUCK, SERIOUSLY? THAT IS FANTASTIC DAVE, LET'S GO DO THAT RIGHT NOW. JUST KIDDING. WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU FLIRT WITH ME PALE, YOU FLIRT WITH ME RED, YOU FLIRT WITH ME BLACK, THEN YOU DENY ALL OF IT?"

Ah. He's clearly referencing last night's debacle more openly. "I haven't been flirting with you at all, dude, I'm literally just trying to make friends. Normal human friends with no added extras."

"SEE? RIGHT THERE? WHAT WAS THAT? BLACK?"

"It was nothing. Maybe you should take what I say at face value," You stare down your shades at him. 

"I CAN'T TAKE YOU AT FACE VALUE BECAUSE YOU'RE LIKE A BLANK FUCKING SLATESTONE MOST OF THE TIME WITH ZERO OBSERVABLE EMOTION."

You roll your eyes. You're not going to take off your shades. "Listen how about a demonstration, I'll try to flirt with you purposefully, so you can see what that's actually like, and then you can back the fuck off about all this quadrant shit, yeah?"

Karkat doesn't really make the decision for you, the Mayor does. The Mayor gets up and pats the seat next to Karkat, so you slide next to Karkat.

"Hey babe, what are you watching?" You ask.

"STOP. LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON'T WANT OR NEED YOUR SHITTY DEMONSTRATION."

"Aw come on, such a pretty little thing like you all alone, don't you want some company at all?" You ask and you move your hand to mock touch his face, but you don't make contact. 

"THIS ISN'T FLIRTING DAVE, IT'S CALLED BEING A PUSHY ASSHOLE THAT ONLY WANTS TO PAIL."

"My mistake, so would you like to exchange numbers and we can go on a few dates? Dinner and a movie?"

You continue, "I just thought you looked so interesting and different from everyone else here. I want to get to know you."

"WATCH YOURSELF DIPSHIT, IT'S STARTING TO SOUND TOO REAL," His eyes avoid you and instead look across the room. 

"I'm real as a motherfucker, I keep getting more and more real the longer you know me," you insist, inching even closer to Karkat until your thighs are flush with his.

Karkat starts to laugh, "YOU ARE SO FUCKING ABYSMAL AT THIS, I ACTUALLY AM STARTING TO FEEL BAD FOR YOU."

You throw your hands up, disengaging. "Teach me then, oh wise one. How do I flirt?"

He looks tempted. You can tell. He actually looks tempted to school you on this. You grin. You don't think he will, but the Mayor makes an encouraging gesture, his carapacian self being clearly entertained by the exchange. 

Karkat exhales and then looks at you, rotating his body to face you. He closes his eyes, breathes in, and then when he opens his eyes, he begins. His voice is much softer than the tone he usually uses on you and for a second it's like looking at a totally different person. 

"I'm looking for some new music to listen to, do you have any suggestions?" The way Karkat's eyes look, his mouth, everything is totally softened. It's so instantaneously different to you that you almost want to take a picture. You resist the urge this time, mostly because you're totally taken in by his performance.

"Snoop Dogg," You respond, mechanically. Inside, something is off in you. You're upset. You don't know why. There's a knot pulling tight in your stomach and wrenching at everything. You want to go to your bed and hide under the blankets, maybe take a nap until the world seems clear again.

"What genre is Snoop Dogg again?" 

Is he? Is he kind of batting those long eyelashes at you? Is he feigning confusion? Everyone knows Snoop Dogg. "It's rap," You hear your voice coming out as non-committal. 

"Oh, he's pretty established right? I'm looking for a new artist to listen to, perhaps something obscure or unheard of, do you know of anything like that?" Karkat looks up at you through his eyelashes, tilting his head ever so slightly. It's still him, he's just *interested.*

You loathe to admit it to yourself but you'd have probably fallen for anything with two legs who came to you in a music store or a grocery store or a laundromat or anywhere like this. 

"Fuck you Karkat, you win, here's my card, come listen to my raps and my obscure indie record collection any time you want." Fuck it. You pull out one of your red jpeg-artifacted sbahj-themed business cards and hand it to him. 

He takes the card and it disappears presumably into his sylladex and he resumes talking like an angry fucker like the whole exchange meant nothing. It did mean nothing, you realize. You want to leave. Badly. You can feel the itch in your legs to run and that knot gaining density inside you at an alarming rate. 

"THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT," Karkat relaxes back, cracking his knuckles and looking way too proud of himself.

"Maybe I'm just easy," You say, leaning back with far less ease, "How do you flirt with someone who is always pissy and yelling?"

"I'M ABSOLUTELY NOT GIVING YOU TIPS ON HOW TO FLIRT WITH ME."

"Why not? What if my future honey has a mouth like razorblades mated with explosions and had a child named Shrapnel?" 

"TOO BAD THEN, I GUESS. YOU BETTER HOPE SHE HAS A LOVELY MOUTH FULL OF FLAT INOFFENSIVE HUMAN TEETH."

"Have you no heart Karkat? What if she's a troll? Or a half-troll if we can make those?"

He rolls his eyes, "NO SELF-RESPECTING TROLL OR EVEN HALF TROLL IS GOING TO FALL FOR YOU WHEN YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND QUADRANTS AT ALL."

"I've already asked you to tell me about them," You gently remind him.

"YES AND I WILL TELL YOU, WHEN I'M LESS PISSED OFF AT YOU."

Your hand then does something unbidden, maybe to dissolve the tension inside of you, and you reach up and touch Karkat's horn. 

"WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME?"

"I guess I couldn't resist, I've never touched a horn before."

"WELL STOP TOUCHING IT."

"Can you feel that I'm touching it?" You ask, and you can't help the smile that comes to your face at his irritation.

"NO. NOW STOP TOUCHING IT."

"How come animals want you to pet them but trolls are less enthusiastic about it?" You laugh.

"BECAUSE I AM A SENTIENT BEING WITH A SOCIETY THAT HAS RULES AND NOT A BARNHOVEL BEAST COMPLETELY FUELED BY BASER INSTINCTS?"

"Aren't we all kind of animals fueled by our baser instincts though, maybe we should completely shed our society and let it become like Lord of the Flies up in here, except without the murdering part," You're really cracking up now, you find it difficult to stop, you make faux jerking off motions against his horn and obscene noises with your mouth. 

"YOU HAVE TWO SECONDS TO REMOVE YOUR FLESHY FROND FROM MY HORN BEFORE I SUPLEX YOU OFF THIS COUCH WITHOUT ANY CONCERN FOR THE HEALTH OF YOUR SPINAL COLONNADE," Finally his tone is truly fiery and threatening enough to fill you with dread.

You take your hand away, "Sorry. I felt bad instantly for touching you but, then I was irritated with you, so I just... Sorry."

"MAYBE YOU COULD STOP FUCKING UP AROUND ME IN GENERAL TOO, MAYBE IF YOU DID THAT, WE ACTUALLY COULD BE HATEFRIENDS, EVENTUALLY."

You heave a long sigh and scoot down to your edge of the couch. The Mayor pats your leg.

"You were laying it on really thick back there, Karkat, all that soft talking and shit."

"NO, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THAT IS HOW I NORMALLY FUCKING TALK WHEN PEOPLE AROUND ME AREN'T BEING SHIT FOR BRAINS."

You laugh. "Really?" 

Karkat growls, his fists clenched tight at his sides.

You watch as the Mayor makes gestures at both of you to calm down. So you do. Karkat crosses his arms and settles back into the couch too, facing the movie as the Mayor unpauses it. 

You finish watching the longest movie you have ever seen. It's also depressing. You thought this was supposed to be a great love story, but it ends up being a gigantic clusterfuck. In that sense, you suppose it's realistic. 

As the film credits roll in, you pat the Mayor on the head.

"Gotta bounce, Rose wants me in her room now and I promised her I'd come visit. You two enjoy yourselves, y'hear?" You say, without waiting for Karkat's response. The Mayor nods and you leave, not looking back. 

You pop your earbuds in and take a detour, running through the halls of the lab. Angels by The XX plays. Something about this song reminds you of water. It drowns out the blood rushing to your head. It's at direct opposition to your parkouring skills as you run and jump off the walls. It's whatever. It's perfect. You'd rather never fight again if you don't have to, memories of the sounds of clashing metal still rings in your ear like an unwelcome sharp ghost to the response of your adrenaline. You want to wash it away. The echoing sounds in the song are resounding molten gold through your veins. You don't think about the lyrics even if you should. You jump and jump and jump until you land on the floor, breathing hard, head spinning. That tight knot of emotion in your gut remains and you grimace, concerned and confused. 

Light reflects from your shadow  
It is more than I thought could exist  
You move through the room  
Like breathing was easy  
If someone believed me

They would be  
As in love with you as I am  
They would be in love, love, love

And everyday  
I am learning about you  
The things that no one else sees  
And the end comes too soon  
Like dreaming of angels

And leaving without them

Being   
As in love with you as I am  
Love, love, love

And with words unspoken  
A silent devotion  
I know you know what I mean  
And the end is unknown  
But I think I'm ready  
As long as you're with me

A tear rolls down your cheek as you lay there, listening to the song on repeat. You don't understand why. You look at the moisture on your fingers and you follow the wet line to its source to confirm it. You ache. It's not a physical ache even though you've now just made it also very physical from jumping around. You realize you're lonely. Really, really lonely. It's not a good feeling. It feels desperate and wrong. You wonder if Bro ever felt this way once in his entire life. No, you think he loved being alone. He loved it, and you coming along ruined that for him. You're not sure why he kept you. He could've thrown you in a dumpster and you'd have had a better life. You know that now. You wish you didn't know.

You groan, and hoist yourself up, dust yourself off, and slowly walk to Rose and Kanaya's room. You change the song immediately, disliking the newly associated discomfort with it. You're always slow to the uptake when it comes to these things, and you know this. Rose has made you pretty damn aware of it. She misses nothing. 

Just like when you slide into her room, greeting her and Kanaya with a 'yo' and an arm wave the first thing she says is, "Dave, your face is red."

"I was doing some parkour in the hallways. Do you know how dusty some of the adjacent hallways are? It's like no one ever cleans down there. I'm glad these god rags are dirt-resistant otherwise I'd start looking a bit more like a troll. Fuck, sorry Kanaya."

Rose just makes a sound in her throat, a knowing sound, but she doesn't chide you too hard, she just offers you a seat, and you sit down. Kanaya regards you with a subtle nod, apparently unoffended. 

"Want to tell me what Vriska and Terezi had to say last night?" Rose asks, preening her hair slightly. 

"Hell no," You respond.

"But you're going to, right Dave?" 

"Probably, first I kind of want to know how you knew they said anything to me at all."

She titters, "You know, you visit me less than anyone else on this meteor?"

"What? are you serious?" You're actually surprised.

"Yes, I am serious."

You sigh, "Fuck now I feel like an asshole."

"No, it's fine Dave, I know you need Dave-time," She dismisses with her hand doing a subtle wave. 

You chuckle, "I sure as fuck haven't had much Dave-time lately, so I'm not sure about the accuracy of that statement."

She makes a 'bluh' face, very aware of your double entendre. "Believe it or not, Terezi actually came to me concerned about both Karkat and you. She said she's never ever seen you laugh like that before."

"Oh god Rose, you don't understand," You laugh from the memory of it, "Karkat was wearing crab pajamas, okay, complete with a little nightcap, one of the ones with a little fuzzy ball at the tip, and huge plush crab slippers, come on, anyone in their right mind would've laughed. Terezi is blind so obviously that excuses her, and Vriska, well, it's Vriska, come on."

Rose smiles slightly, "The thought is somewhat amusing."

Kanaya looks confused and immediately invested, "I'm Sorry To Interrupt But Can You Describe Them More?" 

"Sure," You continue, "They were basically white, with little gray crabs all over, I think they might've been flannel, maybe they were lined too, there was a kind of shine to the collar, they were very old-fashioned looking. I'm not sure if the same standard of old fashioned applies to troll pajamas," you trail off, second-guessing yourself.

"I Did Not Craft Those."

"If your interest is in fashion, trust me, I know that you did not make these at all," you assure her, a light chuckle in your throat. 

"Kanaya?" Rose asks softly, her brow knitting.

"I Need To Talk To Karkat About Something, Excuse Me," She politely apologizes, leaving the room, presumably to find Karkat. 

"What in the shit was that about?" You ask Rose.

"I don't know, as much as Kanaya and I talk, there's still some nuances of troll culture that remain completely foreign to me. Now, about what Vriska and Terezi said to you that seemed to trouble you so much..." Rose continues, undeterred by the pajama conversation.

"Basically you already know what it is, because it's the exact thing you've been suggesting to me in your oh-so-subtle way for years. That I'm, at the very least, bisexual," You retort, dismissing it all with the waving of both of your hands as theatrically as possible.

"Ah so, you've progressed to being able to say the word at least, I'm proud of you Dave."

You laugh and it nearly comes out like a cough, and you smooth your hair away from your glasses. "It's not like I was incapable before!"

"Now we just need to get you to the point where you can put an 'I am' in front of it."

"Rose, that was really over-assertive for how you usually approach these things," You chide, wagging your finger at her. 

"Sometimes one grows tired of being coy," She says, but her whole expression is coy and cheeky all at once.

"Well I hate to disappoint you but I'm nowhere even remotely close to being able to put an 'I am' in front of the word bisexual, considering I'm not bisexual. When I realize I am, I promise you that you will be the first person I tell. Cross my heart and hope to die," You actually make the motions with your hands.

"You know we talked via text for so long, it's easy for me to forget you're Southern."

"Is it odd that I always read your script in the voice of a nasally northern shrew?" You grin.

She laughs. "Ah, I must really be becoming my mother."

"Was she really that bad?" You ask.

Her eyebrows rise and fall, "Comparatively, no."

"Hmm," You hum, and you let your head fall on the table.

"Other than chiding you needlessly about things you need to examine about yourself sooner rather than later or it will cause a huge rift with you and nearly everyone else on this meteor, I did have something to warn you about," Rose says, her intonation completely changing.

"Oh?" Your head perks up.

"Soon we will be approaching something called 'dream bubbles' and we could be trapped in anyone's memories on this meteor. We'll have to stay in them for their duration, which could be quite long if we hit a big one. Seeing as some of the trolls have some very violent memories, you see where this could go south very quickly."

"The trolls have violent memories huh?" You laugh. Sure. You'd love to see Karkat in one of your memories. 

Rose looks down at the table. "I'm going to advise you to stay with Karkat, as he was somehow able to avoid physical drama despite his mutant status until he got to the lab here with the others. For the rest of them, including Kanaya, that is not the case."

"I can't do that, Karkat isn't very fond of me," You mention, looking to the side and ignoring the presence of that nasty confusing weight in your gut.

"It'll be some time before we actually hit one, so you have some time, but it's something to think about. By then I will have warned and advised Karkat too."

"It's not really advisable for Karkat to be near me, if we enter one of my memories, though, you know?" You wince, you don't want to talk about this, you really really don't.

Silence. Rose taps the table. "I think he'd take it upon himself to protect you, Dave, maybe not as a friend, but just because of his leadership instincts. We can't lose you as a player, physically, mentally, or emotionally, you're too valuable."

"Yuck," You frown. 

"I can't believe what I'm seeing from you if you want my total honesty."

"What are you seeing?" You laugh, "I'm pretty much a mess right now so I can't imagine what it might be."

"No, you've always been a mess, Dave, you're just now a mess and ruthlessly pursuing Karkat whilst remaining totally blind to it."

"As a friend, Rose," You remind her as you stare a hole into the scuffed wooden surface of the table.

"Mind showing me your phone?" She angles her head to meet your distracted gaze, a kittenish smile on her painted lips. 

"Hell fucking no you can't see my phone!"

"Why is that, Dave?" Rose simpers.

"Rose how do you even know all this shit?" Your face is hot and you know you must be blushing. Fuck. Maybe this is why you never visit Rose. 

"And now you've just confirmed that there's incriminating material for me to find, if I take your phone," Rose touts, her small smile splitting into a full fledged grin.

Blarg. You make a bunch of unintelligible complaining noises. "Okay, I'll show you some things, but if I show you these things, you can't delete said things, and we will not talk about said things ever again, got it?"

She perks up strangely, her mouth pursed tight. "Scouts honor."

You hand her the phone, showing her the pictures of Karkat, including the one you had locked in a password protected folder. 

"You're a good photographer, especially when you greatly admire your subject," She remarks.

You hold up your finger in a warning. "I told you no talking about it."

"I had actually forgotten you liked photography, I guess that's because all I ever saw from you before were overexposed selfies and pictures of blurry birds." She slides her hand over and puts it over yours as she returns your phone, "Does he know you took those?"

"No? Maybe? Probably? Definitely not, on the one... Rose we're not supposed to be talking about it!" You're exasperated, you know it. You feel guilty about taking photos of Karkat without his consent. You just couldn't resist. Just like you couldn't resist with the birds. The selfies were just boredom. Karkat is like a bird. Interesting. Foreign. Maybe he's not shiny and iridescent, but sometimes he looks at you the way a crow does. He just knows. He just knows. It's interesting. Intoxicating. It pulls you in. You frown. 

"If it's nothing, Dave, why can't we talk about it?" Rose needles you.

You narrow your eyes and look away, furthering your frown, "Because I know what you'll say."

"Tell me Dave, what world comes crashing and burning down around you if you consider yourself being 'not straight' for more than half a second?"

So to spite her, you do consider it. You take several moments and imagine it, triple X style even. 

You scoff, "It just doesn't make sense is all, because the things I've felt for women, I've never felt for men."

"When you say men, are you including Karkat Vantas in that sample?" Rose's mouth quirks and her heavily lidded pink eyes narrow. She's got you there.

You pause and look down, "No. I didn't."

"Why not?" You can tell she's softening her tone, but you don't know why. You really want to run again. Jump the walls all the way back to your cozy lonely section of the meteor and then crash into your makeshift bed. 

"He's an alien, I pictured human men?" You guess. You pout. You know you're pouting. It terrifies you. Your skin itches with the need to get away or to drown yourself in music. You start tapping a beat on the table. It's a nervous staccato. You want no part of this conversation. Your whole soul is recoiling against it. 

"Listen Dave, I care about you, I'm not going to push you anymore, but when I first realized I was a lesbian, though it was long ago now, it was a surprise. The most surprising part was exactly how much I was pushing away what I actually preferred for something that our society said I 'should be'. I thought I was introspective and smart, but I was still deluding myself and I was quite skilled at it. That picture you've got in there, of Karkat, you know which one I mean, I'm sure, if it was a lady in that image, I might've had to fan myself down right in front of you. It's also the only one you have locked up in a password protected folder. Why?"

"I nearly deleted it today too," you say in a low voice, avoiding her eyes. Your tapping on the table intensifies before you pull your fingers away, sensitive to the fact you're completely giving away your distress. 

"Because he's ugly when he's pissed off? But oh so pretty otherwise," Rose just says, she just states it, as if it's a simple fact, undeniable. 

"Dude..." you mutter. 

"I have eyes even if I'm a lesbian."

"Dude okay, fine, yes, you got me, I am all the gays for Karkat Vantas. Super fucking gay." You say, sarcastically.

She rolls her eyes at you. "You are though, and there's nothing wrong with it. I bet he'd be flattered as hell if you told him that you actually think he's attractive."

"No, his ears would do that twitchy thing they do, but he wouldn't accept the compliment, and he'd just yell at me that I suck on nooks or something." You wonder what a nook actually is. You wish you could suck on a nook right in front of Karkat while flipping him off. Just to show him. Yeah. Suck it Vantas. Eat pant.

Rose laughs hard. "Sounds like Karkat has the same problem as you."

"Which one? I have so many now. Line up, we gots alls the problems for sale here kiddos. Let me go find the nearest shady alleyway to peddle my problems like discount toys stolen in the dead of night. Cheap knockoff problems, only ten cents a piece. None of it, nothing, feels real, including this supposed attraction to Karkat. It's just annoying to talk about."

"I'll actually let you figure it out, Dave, because I don't think you actually want me taking the piss out of you, you know? I genuinely care, I'm not bringing this up to further some torment inside you."

"No, I don't know. Everything is just gone, and I've got nothing to show for it. I'm not sure becoming an immortal god is a good enough trade for all this bullshit," You scoff.

"Karkat isn't immortal, have you considered that?" Rose asks. 

"Contrary to your popular belief, I do not actually spend the entire day actively thinking about Karkat, even if I am with him for the entire day."

"You'll live, and he'll die," Rose states plainly. 

You sigh, you understand what she's trying to trigger in you, "I don't want anyone to die, yes, that includes Karkat. There's been too much death."

"Yes, yes there has been," Rose says, her voice distant and quiet, her gaze averted.

You feel like you've been stabbed. You'd know too, because you have been stabbed before. Rose lets silence pass between you with that look on your face as you imagine Karkat dying. Shock, horror. You all but pull your hands away cinematically only to find them covered in your own blood. It wouldn't be yours. It would be his - Karkat's. That's suddenly very not okay. You'd rather it be yours. You don't know why. You know you'd die to protect your friends, to protect Rose or Jade or John. It's new to realize you'd do this for the trolls too. There's a stark difference between dying for Vriska and dying for Karkat, you just can't decode it. You guess you have to admit a fondness for him and you have to admit internally that you don't know why it's there or what it means. You want to figure it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Little Respect - Erasure
> 
> I try to discover  
> A little something to make me sweeter  
> Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart  
> I'm so in love with you  
> I'll be forever blue  
> That you gimme no reason  
> Why you make-a-me work so hard  
> That you gimme no  
> That you gimme no  
> That you gimme no  
> That you gimme no  
> Soul, I hear you calling  
> Oh baby please give a little respect to me  
> And if I should falter  
> Would you open you arms out to me  
> We can make love not war  
> And live at peace with our hearts  
> I'm so in love with you  
> I'll be forever blue  
> What religion or reason  
> Could drive a man to forsake his lover  
> Don't you tell me no  
> Don't you tell me no  
> Don't you tell me no  
> Don't you tell me no  
> Soul, I hear you calling  
> Oh baby please give a little respect to me  
> I'm so in love with you  
> I'll be forever blue  
> That you gimme no reason  
> You know you make-a-me work so hard  
> That you gimme no  
> That you gimme no  
> That you gimme no  
> That you gimme no  
> Soul, I hear you calling  
> Oh baby please give a little respect to me  
> Soul, I hear you calling  
> Oh baby please give a little respect to me
> 
> Damn I love the disgustingly powerful feeling it gives me to know that I made y'all have to read all that. I edited this fic just now to that song. Thanks for sticking around! There will be more soon. (Note: Definitions of "soon" may vary)


End file.
